Sunday, October 19, 2014

Lots of awareness going on around here!

Morrison Bridge lit up in Teal for Ovarian Cancer Awareness

October is officially Breast Cancer Awareness month. This year, I feel like my eyes are a little more open to all the "pink" thats floating around the media. I have always loved that the NFL wears pink throughout the month of October. I also love seeing people display ribbons or bracelets denoting themselves as survivors.

A close friend recently asked me how I am doing with things lately. I told her its been interesting...

To be part of a group of "survivors" is unique. On the one hand, it is incredible to be alive. The women (and men) I have met that belong to this group are amazing. Each story is moving. The depth of soul-searching these people have done along their journey is evident in their persona. I am thankful to know these people and hope to continue to get to know more of them.

On the other hand, its incredibly frustrating to be a part of a group that I did not choose. Most sub-groups of people that one belongs to is because they have chosen to be a part of them... college friends, coworkers, etc. I never intended to have this be a part of my story. But it is and now it is on me to decide what to do with it.

I have been blessed beyond imaginable. I guess that is part of serving a God that longs to bless his people. When I see a women in public who is bold enough to display her beautiful bald head, I find I just want to go over to her and hug her. I want to her to know she is brave. No matter where one is in their cancer journey, it is important to know they are loved and supported.

Here is my hope for these "awareness months".  Not only do I hope money is raised to find a cure for some of these horrible diseases, but also that more and more survivors' stories would be told. If you know someone who has survived cancer, encourage them to tell their story. There is power in knowing the difficulties of one's life.

Happy Sunday!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Wigless!!!!

Today was the day! The day I took off my wig at work. I have been wanting to do this for a while, but for whatever reason, have had a hard time with it. Maybe it's partly because I am uncomfortable with short hair because it's new and so drastically different. That being said, so was being bald ;) 

The other part of it was knowing I would have to endure "talk" about my hair. Possibly, even answer the question of why I cut my hair. I have never wanted it to be about me at work. Patients need to know their needs are being met and that I am not distracted by other things. 

I am sure there is also a part of me that has to re-work through the question of beauty and perception of beauty. If I have spent my whole life only seeing myself with long hair, then it's fair to say I am looking at an unfamiliar face with familiar features. I felt similarly when I embraced being bald. 

As I was leaving today, I reflected upon the day. Everyone was overly generous in how sweet their comments were. My colleagues were especially thoughtful; mentioning throughout the day how great the style looks and how it brings out the features of my face. A few patients made kind comments, which helped make me begin to feel comfortable in my own skin again. Strange to think this is another thing I have to process through as I continue along the journey.  And so, I leave you with these song lyrics by Avicli

"All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost...
 Life's a game made for everyone and love is the prize!"

Friday, September 5, 2014

Life currently!

Wine tasting evening with Jenn
Whew! Its September already! I was working on my One A Day journal the other night and I am shocked with how fast the last few weeks have gone. Someone recently told me "when time seems to fly by it means you're truly living your life". I would like to think that is true these days.

Speaking of these days, I thought it was time for an update. I have been doing well overall! I am building up more and more energy reserve and feel like life is getting back to normal. Work is going well. I have a student that is with me fore another 6 weeks (3 weeks down) and we are starting to really get the hang of the dance that exists between clinical instructor and student. Its equal parts exciting and terrifying for me to both relinquish the control of practice and exciting to teach someone so willing to learn. I am learning a lot right along side of her and hope she continues to teach me as much as I am teaching her.

I went to my doctor today and things continue to look good! Blood counts are normal, symptoms continue to dissipate and medications are being discontinued. I will follow-up with him every two months with blood draws and have office visits every four months. He said I could get my port out whenever I would like (YAY!) and most importantly, continue living my life. He is onboard with me seeing a natropathic doctor for my stomach pain, neuropathy and dietary needs. I am thinking about starting acupuncture soon and really hope it is helpful. The list of current symptoms continues to get smaller and for that I am truly grateful.

Yesterday I got to go to Seattle with some friends to attend the season opener for the reigning Super Bowl Champions, SeaHawks! It was such a fun evening (including the win!!!) and I felt so luck to be in attendance. I am really hoping to get to go to more games this season... we will see. I got to see some of my favorite people at the game and got to spend the night at Kristen's. It is moments like this, I feel truly blessed!

Lately I have been talking with more women who are diagnosed with cancer and are going through a similar battle as I did. I am daily reminded how lucky I was to have caught my cancer early and how incredible my doctors and support team was through the entire journey. Often I feel like I am awaking from a bad dream; feeling groggy with the memories of what I endured. Other days it feels like it all just happened and I am ripping open an old wound. What is crazy to me, is once the chemotherapy is complete, the journey back to "normal" is just beginning. And that road is tough. Its riddled with anxiety, stress, fear, doubt and uncertainty. In my case and the majority of survivors I talk to, the road after chemotherapy is more difficulty. Support gradually fades, tasks that took a backseat begin to take priority and the nuances of daily life resume. Where there was "noise" before, soon becomes silence. And that is how this stuff typically goes. And life goes on.

I know I dont write as frequently as I did during chemo, but I will continue to use this space to process the emotions and journal the daily happenings in my life. Its been incredible to go back and read through comments people have left as well as read each post. I am thankful for this space and the liberty to be honest with the good and the difficult. Thank you all for your continued support as the journey continues.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Processing the emotional trauma of chemotherapy

Shameless selfie :)
Oh man! How is it August already? I realize I have taken a large hiatus from this corner of the internet that I call mine. That is partly because I have been trying to back on my feet and partly because I havent had a ton to write about. Things for the most part have been going well. I have my 4 month post-chemo appointment in two weeks and to be honest, I am a little nervous. Before all of this happened, I never really thought about the minor aches and pains. I have had digestive issues before, but never once did my mind jump to cancer. Now, I am afraid that each time I have some aliment that lingers longer than the average, I will think my cancer is back. 

A few weeks ago I had some abnormal abdominal pain that was nagging and wouldnt let up. I called my oncologist and he told me to come in. After several physical exams, they decided I should get scanned to rule out anything "scary". I also got my blood drawn since I was there. Long story short, everything came back negative. Blood levels are completely normal and my CTs were clean. Praise God to be healed!

But the flood of feelings sitting and waiting for scans was quite emotional.

While waiting to get my blood drawn, I sat in the chair just hoping my numbers were still low. I was just starting to feel like some small portion of my life was getting back to normal. And to be reminded, yet again, I am not in control of my health was (and is) frustrating. The smell of the saline as it penetrated my veins was suffocating. It literally made me sick to my stomach with the thought that I might not be done with this nightmare. After I gave blood, I had to go downstairs to get scanned. I was required to ingest contrast before the scans and as I waited (65 minutes), my mind raced. It was flooded with memories of sitting in the waiting room and feeling nauseated, fatigued, weak, tired and helpless. Remembering sitting for hours on end with a needle that pierced my skin, slowly dumping chemicals into my heart. Watching people come and go to visit me or other patients. The memories are crisp and fresh like they happened yesterday.

I have some work to do to process through the trauma of being a cancer survivor. Interestingly enough, a lot of my treatment, I do not remember. I truly believe it is the body's way of protecting itself. Survival mode only. Remember only what is necessary and let others take care of the rest. I am working with a counselor to process through a lot of this and its been really helpful. I grossly underestimated the impact the first four months of this year were on me. Now is the time to unpack those layers and be a whole person again. Something I am truly looking forward to again :)

Picture from when Kristen was in town a few weeks ago

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Beauty

This afternoon I was walking through Barns & Noble to waste some time before meeting for dinner when someone touched my arm. I turned to look at who was on the other end of the semi-affectionate grasp and to my surprise I did not know the women. She said, "sorry to bother you, but I watched you walk in and I just have to tell you that you are beautiful and this look really works for you". I must have had the most dumbfounded look on my face because she quickly followed up with, "I am doing my best to acknowledge beauty when I see it. In a world where it is so difficult to be a woman, I think we need small reminders". She went on to tell me three years ago she went through chemotherapy for a rare blood cancer. She opened up to me in a way that was profound, intimate and altogether authentically raw. In the span of ten minutes I was moved to tears and touched so deeply by a complete stranger. 

It was a perfect reminder of how quick we are to be harsh on our outward appearance. We judge to quickly. It is impossible to know the battle a stranger is fighting and sometimes it only takes a smile to reassure someone from across the room. 

I am also reminded of how sweet honesty is. This woman was wise beyond her years and she will change lives if she continues to tell her story. It is my hope that I can be that to someone when they need it most. All it took was some courage to approach a stranger and speak honest truth. 

Did I mention she was 19 years old? 

What's your perspective on beauty and how will her story change your outward expression of it?


Thursday, July 10, 2014

Freedom to live


As I enter this stage of freedom from my disease, it is so real to me that more and more people every day are being diagnosed. My heart breaks for those who receive the awful news that the pain they have been experiencing is cancer. Especially a diagnosis of ovarian cancer... "the silent killer". I am becoming more aware of how fortunate I am for surviving such a horrible disease, when many people arent so lucky. Having gone through this, I stumble across other people's stories fairly frequently; some of them end abruptly. No entries or updates past a particularly trying day. And I am left only to assume.
 
And though I am grateful for this phase of my life to be behind me, daily I am reminded of the assault on my body as random side-effects come and go. With every step I take, I am acutely aware of how strong the poison of chemotherapy was with the growing numbness in my feet. Each time I look in the mirror, my tired eyes tell the story of the battle. And yet, as more days pass from my last treatment of chemotherapy, the more freedom I feel. Freedom from disease, but also freedom from anxieties and fears I had before. 

I am forever changed. I have new scars that have stamped their unique design across my skin. It is known that scar tissue is stronger than the skin it replaced. Often, it is painful as scar tissue lays down. Breaking through scar tissue can also be painful. But some of the best healing takes place after the scar has been broken free. 

Some of the healing is slow. Physical healing takes time (I am reminded of this daily). For me, the emotional healing is just beginning. I am processing through emotions I had during chemo and in the days following. I feel blessed to have the support of my friends and family, but have decided to seek additional support in processing the past few months. I started seeing a counselor and hope to continue breaking free of past fears and anxieties with her guidance. More on that to come, I am sure. 

For now, I sit on my deck with the sun setting behind me, birds chirping in the distance and the sound of laughter coming from my neighbor's house. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to keep living. Each morning there is a nod to God for allowing me to keep breathing. A thankful heart as I go about my day. Just as those scars remind me of the battle, my continued breathing reminds me of life. Joyous, utterly delightful life. And for that I am filled with gratitude. 
Portland International Rose Garden 

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Hair growth progress

Ever since the day I found out I would lose my hair, I have been a mixed bag of emotions (read about that here). At first, I was really mad. I liked my hair. Never have I had short hair and just the thought was quite terrifying. Then, once it started falling out, I realized being completely bald was actually quite easy and saved me loads of time getting ready each morning. In America, hair is highly regarded as one of the key components of beauty. Yearly, millions of dollars is spent cutting, coloring, straightening, etc. all for what? To feel beautiful.

When I started back to work, I purchased another wig that could be worn without a hat. My mom bought me a wig early in my cancer treatments that is designed to be worn under a hat. It is so fun because it is really long and has highlights (something I have never done to my own hair). The wig I bought for work is shoulder length and looks very similar to what my natural hair looked like. The primary reason I wear a wig to work is because I can pick and chose who I tell my story to. If I go without my wig, it is very apparent I have just been through chemo, which comes with a lot of questions. I am managing anywhere from 40-60 patients on my caseload and not all of them need to know my story.

Since starting work, I have had a lot of funny moments with my wigs. The first week, I was so paranoid that it would shift significantly and my patients would notice (in my mind, I picture a child seeing someone's toupee move or fly off all together and the horror on their face). Every time I would bend forward, I would feel it move a millimeter and freak out internally. Or there were a couple of times I caught myself with having an itch and just slid my wig back and forth to get at the itch not realizing my hairline moved inches. A few times I would get on the streetcar or bus and immediately pull it off and put it in my bag not realizing people were watching the process and probably wondering "what the heck?"

The truth is, my hair is finally growing and there will be more and more times that I step out without it on. Most weekends I do not wear it. I know that I do not need to wear it to feel beautiful, but being without hair is not natural in our culture and is a red flag for additional questions. And sometimes, you want to be anonymous in a large crowd. Blend in with culture. And that is okay :)

Here is the last month of hair growth for me:
First picture taken May 6th; Last picture June 16th

And little humor for you:

Monday, June 23, 2014

Resting, an ongoing lesson for me...

Today is all about resting! In this moment, I am sitting in my chair hammock, rocking back and forth trying to figure out what to do next on this lovely 80+ degree day. My hammock is perfectly located in the front of my house, under the porch awning with options for shade and sun depending on the time of day. This weekend I spent a few hours working on maintaining my little green space and it looks fantastic (but my body is sore and I feel muscles that I long forgot about)! I feel like I am in the middle of the forrest instead of the middle of the city; another perk of my house being tucked off the street. The cool breeze that is circulating brings the fresh smell of pine and dirt. A funny combination, but perfect for transporting me back into the mountains of CO or MT.

My chair hammock is ideal for being productive on my computer or reading a book, but also stretches out to allow for a nap too :) I got it when I was in Nicaragua over 2 years ago and this was the first chance I got to put it up. I am finding more and more reasons to spend time in it :) Can you tell I am in love with the hammock?

I am still figuring out how to be content with resting. That's a funny line to write, but it really is difficult for me to slow down and rest. This weekend I spent a good deal of time reading and felt good about catching up from the week (cleaning, laundry, meal planning, etc). But there is still this very strong pull to be productive or at least be adventurous. Portland is a city that compels adventure on every corner. Literally.  In my own quant neighborhood, new restaurants, cafes, coffee shops and bars are popping up everywhere. And I want to try them all! Especially when the weather is beautiful.

This week I am supposed to be at 100% full time. I have been having a hard time adjusting to work demands, so I emailed my manager today to find out what options I have to temporarily reduce my schedule. It has been taking at least a full day (sometimes 2) to rebound from a work week, so I seems important to not return to full time just yet. I think if I could make it through July with a reduced schedule, I would be good to go. Praying it is possible, because that would make a world of a difference.

Here are some highlights from the weekend!

Home
World Cup, Jersey Boys and flowers

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Part III: Walk with me...

Going through the chemotherapy treatments provided me with more downtime than I have ever experienced in my life. Prior to cancer, I was always running full speed ahead. In fact, I thrive in that environment. I find peace when I can control certain aspects of my life. I usually plan my schedule so that I can maximize my time; whether it be a weekend day or the hours between getting off work and my head hitting the pillow.

This past January I was able to take a hard look at my life. What were my priorities?  How was I allotting my time to be spent? If I had an extra few hours unplanned in my day, what did I decide to fill it with?

It seems all my life, my time with my God has been a bit like a river. There are eb and flow moments where the rhythm feels natural.  And then there are moments where I feel like the river is rushing so fast I am barely keeping up. Other times I feel like the water is dried up or I am suck in an eddie with lackluster purpose. Shifting between these phases usually has more to do with my schedule and priorities. When less of me is demanded, I find it easier to devote that time to God. When more is demanded of me, it falls by the wayside. Never entirely, but enough to feel noticeable.

This is what I know to be true. The times in my life where I have felt the call, "walk with me" and obeyed, are among the most rich.

This past winter I was at this crossroads where I felt like God was calling me to walk with Him. No excuses. Simply asking me to put my faith in Him and trust that He had the entire situation in control. Talk about humbling and terrifying at the same time. I felt the pull to know who God is, understand his character more. The passage I have studied that reveals God's character (straight from his own mouth) is in Exodus 34:6-7. God is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, loving and forgiving and just. This is what I needed to know. Who is my God? What defines his character? How does knowing his character influence my own character?

And so I walked with my God. Dug in and learned more about my character. Learned more about what it meant to be me; my truest self. And God was faithful; he walked with me through it all.

Part II: Silence
Part I: Pull Over
"Crossroads"... my house in Portland

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Part II: Silence

What does one do when time stands still? The silence of the moment is deafening. The high pitched ringing in my ears was so real. Everything around me in that moment had stopped. Life hanging in the balance. And with every move made, an accompanying fear of shifting the balance in the wrong direction.

"Walk with me". A sweet command echoed in the silence.

As the days went by and tests were completed and the diagnosis had been made, I was forced to stop and listen. I remember one day specifically, looking into the mirror right after I shaved my head and knowing I was going to be alright, but it was going to take some time.

Time. It's a funny thing. You come to believe time is yours to own; to do with it as you wish. But in reality, the clock is ticking on everyone. Time is but a gift we have been given and what we choose to do with it determines a lot of things. In the mirror, in that moment, I did not want this process to take time. I wanted a quick fix so that I could return to my life. But looking in the mirror, with my hair falling out and my eyes sinking, I knew I needed to listen.

"Walk with me. Trust in me"

I dont want to walk with you! I dont want to walk at all. What I want is my life to be exactly how it used to be. Trusting is not really my strong suit, especially putting all my trust in something I cant see or touch. But in the silence, I hear it loud and clear:

"The road will be here when we are ready to get back on it. But for now, we are going to stay right here and work some things out. Things are going to be different for a while and you're going to learn to trust me. To learn on me, and at times, allowing me to do the walking for you. I need you to be still and listen. I need you to embrace the silence that is all around us. I need you to trust me."

Silence was unheard of in my life. Always some noise in the background. Now I was realizing the background noise was distracting me from hearing God's voice. He was commanding me to be still and listen. Embrace the silence and walk with him.

If you missed it- Part I: Pull Over


The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still ~Exodus 14:14
Montana

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Update

Before posting another one for the series I am working on, I thought I would provide a quick update on how I am doing and how things are going.

My oncologist said my blood work continues to look good, so I will be followed monthly for blood work and then follow up with him in August. It's a really good feeling to not have to get blood draws multiple times per week. 

My hair is growing back slowly, but surely! This week was the first time I noticed a difference from week to week. It's coming in about the same color as before, but only time will tell on the texture :). I am sleeping a smidge better, but still very depended on sleep aids to get quality sleep. I have some intermittent neuropathy in my feet, which is mostly annoying, but has thrown off my balance a little bit.

I started back to full time last week and realized about mid-week that it was too much. I was mentally and physically done each day with nothing left in my tank. Last week I went to bed nearly every night by 830/9pm. Aside from the exhaustion, I really loved being back at work. Loved treating patients again. Just need to find the balance where I am not completely exhausted from a few days of work. This week I cut my hours back; really hoping it makes a difference. 

Other than that, things are going well. Had a restful weekend and was able to hang my hammock yesterday. I am very much looking forward to spending time in it this summer reading and taking naps. 





Sunday, June 8, 2014

Part I: Pull Over

I have been asked a lot lately, "what perspective did you gain from going through all of this?" and though it is an appropriate question for inquiring minds, it is not a 5 minute or even 20 minute answer. For those of you who have been following me throughout the journey, you've heard me talk about some of the many facets to this question. Likely in bits and pieces at coffee shops, my living room couch or over a meal. My goal in the next couple of weeks is to write out what I have been learning about humanity. Spell out some of what God is doing in my life. To identify, in a coherent manner, what aspects of going through the circus to beat this terrible disease can be seen as good; the ultimate sanctifying good. When a person goes through a life/death situation, there is a inevitable pull to be introspective at times. Which is good. At least it can be good. And in this case I truly believe it was good.

What do bad things happen to good people? Age old question I assume. Ironically it wasnt really a question I asked through this whole process. And I think that has everything to do with my world view.

I have been likening my experience to an analogy of driving down a road. The road, in this case, is life. The car would be the space in which I exist on the road (life). If we are going to be honest, the last twenty eight years of my life have been fairly blessed. By situations, circumstances, people (friends, family, the like), career and anything else you want to throw in there. Every curveball or challenge that has been thrown my way, I have sought to be a better person, a more empathetic adult and hopefully contribute to society in a more productive manner. Each situation seemingly preparing me for the next. The road has been relatively uncomplicated; with anticipated mountains and valleys, bends and curves.

There I was, driving my car down the road of life when a warning sign came on in my car causing me to pull over. There I sat, waiting for the next move. Get back on the road continuing as things were? But my car was at a dead stop. And that's when I felt an encouraging voice say "Dont be afraid. We are going to hang out here for a while, you and me. It's been a while since I have had your full attention. Dont worry, this is not a forever thing- soon enough you will be back on that road again". The tone of voice was gentle.  As if saying, "we have some catching up to do".

My immediate thoughts were, "I dont have time for this. I am really busy. It is Christmas and my family is here. I have to work several times between now and the new year. People are counting on me... Did I mention, I really dont have time for this"

And thats where the story begins. Me and my God sitting in the front seat of my car, watching other cars pass by as if nothing was out of the ordinary. It soon became apparent there had been many attempts to get my attention. And though this was drastic, it soon become obvious it was both temporary and necessary.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Big week and big weekend

Last week went well! Thank you all for your prayers, text messages and thoughts. I made it through the week. I ended up having over 16 new evaluations in just 26 hours of work, along with some other patients. I was absolutely buried in paperwork, but had a blast being back at work. Everyone was fantastic and so thoughtful that it made being back at work such a natural transition. I am thankful I am doing half days both last week and this week and a little nervous about doing full days next week.

This past weekend my nephew turned 2!! My parents were able to come out to Oregon to celebrate with us, which was a treat after being able to spend so much time in Montana with them. We went down to Burk and Lydia's on Friday and came back on Sunday morning. The trip was too short as always, but it was packed with all around good quality time spent with each other. Lydia's family was able to come down as well, so it was good to catch up with them.

I am still working on the online spinal cord injury course I started roughly a month ago. It has been great to reengage my brain with patient specific information, but a lot harder to finish when I have work demands. Tomorrow I get to go to a symposium on concussion and moderate brain injury, which will also be good to get those wheels spinning again. I have seen a lot of patients this week with concussions, so it will help to solidify knowledge in regards to evidence based treatment for them. I am thankful to work in a university setting where these continuing education opportunities are readily available for us.

I added some of my favorite pictures from the weekend spent with my nephew. He is such a sweet boy with an infectious laugh, kind and loving spirit and the happiest little guy I know. I am thankful for my brother and sister-in-law and their hospitality over the weekend.


Tuesday, May 20, 2014

First day back

Today was my first day back at work in over 16 weeks. It's crazy to think I had been gone for that long, but when I walked back in today, it seemed like I had just left. I am so thankful for all my coworkers and their kindness, empathy and genuine support shown both during my treatment, and then today as I came back. I could not have asked for a better day.

Going into today, I was feeling pretty anxious. I missed the bus I intended to take, which was not a huge deal because I had allowed plenty of time before my first patient. Most of my anxiety surrounded the unknown. Was I going to answer a lot of questions about how I was feeling, my treatment, etc? Would I have to tell patient's about what I had gone through? Would my wig stay on my head? :) Things of that nature were all crossing my mind as my bus weaved through the city towards work.

Like I said, I couldnt have been more blessed by how the day went. I walked into our charting room to brownies and a welcome back sign. I received countless hugs and well wishes throughout the day from colleagues. So good to see so many smiling faces :) I was able to get back in the grove rather quickly of chart reviewing, documenting and billing- all of which I was nervous I would have forgotten how to do. I started at 8am, had 5 new patients, was able to keep up with paperwork for the most part and ended my day around 1pm.  An all around successful day.

 I truly love my career and love where I am working. It felt great to get back in the routine of work (minus the waking up early part).  It was good to reengage my brain again after a long hiatus. I felt confident in my examinations and treatments and felt like patient interaction went well. Only adverse effect I noticed was throughout the day I battled low blood sugar and needed to snack often.

For the next two weeks the plan is to work half days as I adjust to very different energy demands than I have experienced in the last few months. Today went well, but I am exhausted. Tomorrow is a bit longer of a day and I have lung function tests after work to reevaluate my respiratory system. I am taking it easy (for those who are worried about that) and continue to listen to my body.

Here are some pictures from today!


Thursday, May 15, 2014

Value of Rest


Leaving Montana is always so hard. Especially after such a relaxing visit. For the first time the whole trip was unplanned and open to suggestion or the whim of the moment. I really can't remember a time when I was so at peace with just being home. I don't know if I have transitioned my focus to be more family centered or if I am coming to a place where I really value rest. Maybe a blend of the two :)

Rest has always been hard for me. I am usually running around at 100 mph. I like to be productive and know full-well I get external validation from the things I can achieve. I used to see taking a nap as a loss of productive time. I used to pack my days so full
(often planning down to the hour) that there was no such thing as "taking time for myself". Having cancer has really changed all that. 

This morning I am back in Portland and find myself along the river with mostly cloudy skies, but temperatures in the 60s and climbing. This is a perfect Portland day. The south waterfront is quiet; absent of any traffic buzz, only various birds chirping. The water of the giant river flows on by, welcoming summer to it's shores. I love this city and looking forward to spending the summer here. I hope to continue to adapt the pace of life of these past few months to the months going forward. Carving out more time for relaxation and less time for forced productivity. 

cafe in portland

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Happy Moma's day

Happy Mother's Day!!!

The cool thing about being home right now is I get to celebrate Mother's Day with my moma! Its the first time in a long time that I have been home and after the last few months, it is especially sweet to spend this day with her.

If you know my mom, you most likely think of a few things. Maybe her red hair or her blue mascara. Maybe her beautiful green eyes that she passed onto me; just a shade darker. Maybe it is her strength, her tenacity for fighting injustice, her selflessness, her love for people (especially her family), her smile. Really, there are so many things I think of when I think about my mom.

When going through chemo treatments, one of the really cool things for me was receiving cards in the mail. I was blessed to receive cards from many people throughout treatment, all of which have been saved in a special box. One of the common themes throughout the cards was one of strength and perseverance (naturally, right?). Throughout the 12 weeks, I received several cards from people I did not know personally and often they would start of saying something like, "If you are anything like your mom, you are a strong woman…" "I am always so impressed with your mom's strength and I am sure she has passed that quality to you…" and so on. I keep saying it was really cool, but it was incredible to hear people talk about my mom's strength.

My mom has been through a lot these last 4 months. I personally am not a mom so I do not understand what it could be like to hear a diagnosis of cancer issued to your child. We often think of "cancer" as a death sentence and I cannot imagine the fear of just that when the words were first whispered in that hospital room. I remember the tears of those early days well. The emotions of fear and uncertainty. The "unknown" that sat like a dark unwanted cloud around our family. But there was my mom, being strong for all of us.

Family is incredibly important to me and I am so blessed to have an amazing family. I have many friends my age that have lost their mothers' too soon and so on this special day, I will hug my moma extra tight. I am lucky to have this time to spend in Montana and already looking forward to a few weeks when we will all be in Oregon to celebrate my nephew's 2nd birthday :)

For all the momas out there, I hope you get to spend some time with your kids today!

One of my other favorite moms :)

Friday, May 9, 2014

Unwavering support


Flowers from yesterday
Yesterday we had a gathering for people to come by and say hello and visit while I am home. It was a brilliant idea (by my mom of course) because it allowed me to thank so many of the people who have supported me through my journey. I truly was impressed by the unwavering support these individuals have shown me over the past 4 months (and beyond as most of them have known me since I was a boisterous teenager). If you were able to attend yesterday, thank you! Thank you for your support, your prayers and your interest in my life. I am humbled by how many people have supported me and my family during this time; yesterday was no exception.

There is something special about being from a small community. I think of this often as I reminisce with friends about our high school days. I laugh at the crazy antics we got ourselves into (and out of) and truly feel like I had the best community in which to grow-up. I remember many summer nights laying in the backyard looking up at the stars and realizing just how lucky I was to have my best friends as my adventure buddies. I feel fortunate that even to this day some of my best friends are ones I made in high school (nearly 11 years ago :S)

This community takes care of its own. I remember when I first got sick my intuition was to keep everything very private. I didn't want anyone to know I was sick because I didn't want them to feel sorry for me. Through a lot of encouragement from my mom, I finally let people in on my journey. And I could not have dreamed the support I received.

This community raises one another's children. In the best sort of way. It was like our parents knew we were safe just by the people we were with, or rather, the hundreds of other eyes that were watching our every move :) By playing sports in this town, you became known by many. And with that, expectations were put upon you. It wasn't long before "little eyes" were also watching our every move.

Its been a blessing to be home and get a chance to thank people in person for their support. I know I am just one story among many for this community to rally behind. Thank you all for everything. From prayers, to cards, to gifts, to support for my family, etc. Every gesture has been appreciated and nothing goes unnoticed.  Thank you!

High School friends: Bryce, Katie and Alison
High School Friends: Kristen, Becky, Burk

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Home in Montana

Stepping onto the tarmac yesterday
There are few things like going home. The tranquillity that is rare in Portland is easily achieved in my home town.For as far as my eyes can see, exist only snow covered mountains, rolling hills of green and tree-lined properties belonging to neighbors and friends. Coming home is peaceful; replacing that need to "accomplish and achieve" with acceptance and existence. Home is relaxing; without the rush to go one place or another. Decisions are made slowly and then remade because there is seemly an abundance of time. Montana is majestic as described. And I am blessed to call it home.

I get to be here for a week and I have no plans. Each day I am going on walks with my family and doing my at home strength exercises. I hope to join my dad at his health club a few times while I am home and get higher level cardio sessions in as well. Other than that, it is just reading, writing and enjoying this gift of being home.

Update on health related things: I received news that my AFP counts continue to decrease (most recently sitting at 4.1) and my other blood counts continue to improve (red and white blood counts, liver enzymes, function of glucose, etc). I will follow-up with my oncologist in 1 month! No blood work until I see him again at the end of this month.
Cannot truly express how exciting it is not to have to be there weekly (and some times daily) anymore.

I return to work 3 weeks from today! I have a lot of strength and conditioning to do, but know I just need to be diligent with something each day. Each day its seems I have a specific allotment for energy and if I use too much too fast, I burn out by afternoon. So my two goals are learning how to pace myself as well as build up my energy reservoir. Both obviously requiring time and patience.

In other news, my parents are having a small gathering of people at their house this coming Thursday, May 8th from 4-7pm for people who would like to stop by and see how I am doing. My mom sent an initial email out last night, but I wanted to make sure the details were here as well incase we missed anyone with her email. Please message me for the address (jyndia.schaible@gmail.com). If you are in the area, would love to see you thursday or if you cannot make it, let me know and we can arrange another time.

I am planning to continue to write in this space and also transition back to writing at Dare to Dream. Feel free to check back in periodically.



Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Patient experience: getting through chemo

The other day I was contacted by someone who has recently been diagnosed with the same form of ovarian cancer as myself. She found my blog and had been reading along my journey as she prepped for her own. She asked me what were three key things for me personally during chemo that helped.  Here was my answer:

1. Support
Family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, friends of friends, you name it. At first for me it was really hard to accept help or even to ask for help. This has more to do with my personality than anything else. I told her it takes a village to get through this battle. And it truly does. I could not have gotten through the day to day with out my parents being physically here.  My friends coming over to sit with me as faded in and out of sleep. My coworkers bring by meals and small treats to brighten my darker days. Hundreds of cards and care packages coming via snail mail to offer words of comfort, prayer, support.

2. Accept where you are at any given moment. 
Some days were really hard. I couldnt focus on what I needed or wanted to do. I had difficulty articulating how I felt (its okay to just say you feel like shit and move on). I was frustrated that yesterday I walked for 60 minutes no problem and today I could barely go for 10 minutes. The key to getting through those times for me were to stop beating myself up about what I couldnt do and relish in what I could.

3. Stay active throughout chemo. 
During my first couple of rounds of chemo I felt fairly well. I had more energy to go for walks or entertain guests. But in the final two rounds, I really struggled with fatigue and low energy. Some days I would pace at 22 minute miles. Some days I truly wondered if I would make it the 4 blocks back to my house. But even if you walk to the end of the block and back (which I had days where that was all my feet would take me), it is something. Keep track of progress in whatever way is natural to you and keep setting small, obtainable goals.

She also asked me if there was anything I wish I would have done during treatments. My biggest change would be more on top of giving my body better nutrients. Now there were some days where I could only get down about 800-1000 calories, but on the days I was feeling better, I wish I would have juiced more, drank more healthy smoothies. I wish I would have taken more of an interest in what was going into my body.

It is strange to look back at the 12 weeks I was in chemotherapy and recollect specific memories. I remember one time a well-wisher told me "you just have to get through the week". I remember wanting to scream. I was trying to get through that hour, much less the week. I knew they meant well, but there were times when I wished I could just sleep through the week; knock myself out with something so I would not have to feel the pain. There are some weeks where I do not remember anything. I was in such a chemo fog that short term memories did not make it into the long term bank.

I am going to try and make some lists in the next few days that might help people in the future of how to help going through chemo or how to get through chemo. The lists will obviously be specific to my experience, but who knows, might help someone along the way. I know when I was getting ready to start chemo I was all over the internet trying to figure out what to expect. So maybe I can help someone like me :)


Thursday, April 24, 2014

Friends for life

Last week my friend Becky came to Portland to visit.  It was so good to see her and I am always amazed when a friendship can just pick up where it left off. We think the last time we saw each other was Christmas 2013, but before that was her wedding (summer 2007). I was looking for pictures from her wedding, but they must be on my external hard drive. I am so thankful she came out and I was able to show her some of my favorite parts of Portland.

She arrived last Tuesday which was the last day of Round 4. I was pretty tired, but we ventured over to Hawthorn neighborhood to people watch. I was cracking up with Becky's comments "does everyone where skinny jeans?" and "why does that guy just have one pant leg rolled up? Is that a fashion statement?" and "you eat food from a cart?". I wish I could remember all the things she said because I was literally laughing out loud multiple times.


On Wednesday we went to heaven (Zama Salon)! Becky treated me to the full salon experience including a facial, massage and foot soak. It was a fantastic way to celebrate being done with chemo and a chance to really just relax. The salon we went to was amazing and if you are in the Portland area, I highly recommend going. We went out for Thai food afterwards, which I think was Becky's first time eating Thai food. We spent the rest of the day running around the city seeing sights and just hanging out.

On Thursday we woke up and went to the Waffle Window in SE Portland. It was amazing and enough to send anyone's blood sugar over the edge :) We drove around the west hills and picked out our dream homes :) It was raining all day so we spent a good amount of time hanging out on my couch watching TV and just catching up on life.


I am consistently amazed by all of my friends, near and far that have given so much during this time. Thank you Becky for taking time away from your family and your life to come out and spend time with me.

Monday, April 21, 2014

My first chemo free week

Today is my first Monday in 12 weeks where I do not have to start chemo. I am so thankful that Round 5 was not needed for my body is exhausted and needs a break. Most side effects are starting to diminish and I am noticing that each day I feel a little bit stronger.  Side effects that are still lingering include: swelling in my fingers, absent taste buds, low energy, interrupted sleep, decreased appetite and though improved, still a decreased capacity for obtaining intellect.

I have confirmed a return to work date of May 20th. I am going to go back at 20 hour weeks for at least the first 2 weeks and then decide if I can resume my full schedule or need more time to integrate. I am excited to return to work because it will offer some structure and purpose to my day, but I am also nervous. I have lost quite a bit of muscle mass and of course need to build up my endurance to be on my feet for up to 5 hours in a row. That being said, I am taking each day as it comes and doing everything I can to be ready to return to work in about a month.

Pre-juicing veggies
This past week I was hit by low energy and decreased appetite. I am still not experiencing the feeling of being "hungry" and have to eat meals more according to the clock otherwise my blood sugar tanks and I really feel sick. On top of that, I have been trying to get good calories in my body. I am trying to juice at least 1 time a day, which has already helped to balance out my blood sugar. Jenn got me a book called The Juicing Generation which has been very helpful in tips easing into juicing. I had a hard time drinking some of the heavy leafy greens and the book guides you in what to consume in what order to "trick" your taste buds and build up to the heavier green juices. This has been really helpful for me!

I am going to try and be more present on my blog in the coming weeks. I have struggled with energy and having content to write. But then I remembered why I started this whole thing a few months ago. Not only is it a convenient place for people to receive updates on how I am doing, but it is also my own journey documented so that I can look back and see how far I have come. Though at times I have willed it to be a race, this journey is really a marathon and I am trying my best to be diligent to the process. Thank you for those who have stuck around to encourage me along the way whether in words, gifts or personal time. I am forever grateful!

Got to hang out with James last week! Love this little man

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Good news!

Round 4 has been a beast. Everything sucks a little but more. I am even shocked how little energy I have had this go around. But this is where things start to look up. 

Today I received the news that my AFP had dropped enough that is will in fact be my last round of chemo! I still need to finish out next week's treatment, but this is it. Last time I have to be noxious poked by the port needle, last time I have to sit for hours as I watch toxins drip into my heart. This is it

The plan is to be followed by blood work for the next 4-6 weeks, with a PET scan down the road to make sure it's gone. 

It's a strange mix of feelings. I want to celebrate, but my body is so exhausted. For now, my smile is a little bit bigger :) God is good. Spring is all around, reminding me of new beginnings. Today is a new beginning. 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Thankfulness

For me, the last couple of weeks there has been a lot of focus on what I don't have. I don't have hair, my eyebrows are slowly falling out. I don't have energy to go walking like I did last week. I can't taste anything, my mouth feels raw and thus eating is a chore. I don't have muscles, which leads back to feeling weak and fatigued. I can't sleep through the night, meaning I don't have restful sleep to have energy for the day. And probably most importantly, my lab values were not low enough to definitively say I could be done with chemo and now I am in a holding pattern til more labs can we conducted next week...

In the midst of all this, I feel like I am being called to be thankful. It's a really annoying place to be for me, mostly because I am frustrated, not thankful. I want to be done with chemo, get my energy back, be able to enjoy activities and adventures I love doing. Spend time with my family without feeling so exhausted I can't participate in the conversation. Meet up with friends and not talk about cancer. 

Feeling thankful almost feels forced. What do I have to be thankful for right now? And that's where my "thankful list" is likely longer than I can imagine and certainly longer than the ones above. 

I am thankful for life. Right now I feel like death, but I woke up breathing this morning, so I am alive.

I am thankful for the support of hundreds. Really. I could never have imagined so many people would care about me in the ways you all have. It truly takes a village when something like this happens and I feel like I have the support of a small city. 

I have been so humbled by the funds raised in the last 2 weeks to help with medical expenses. The outpouring of love and generosity was unfathomable. It's always been hard for me to accept the help of others, so I feel like God is working on that part of me big time. 

I am thankful for my family being here during this time. It's not a short drive from MT and I appreciate everything they've done. I can't imagine what it's like to have a sick kid. But I do know what it's like to have very generous and supportive parents. 

I am thankful for a God who is in control. I am learning a lot about trust, peace and understanding, faith in what is to come when all of this is said and done. If it were up to me, no one would go through heartache like this. But as a result, we would miss out on so much growth. This life sucks. But I am learning to see silver linings that I never saw before. 

My thankful list could continue for pages. It's good for me to focus on this, for I can see what focusing on the other list did for me. Today, most importantly, I am thankful for one more day between me and last week. For cancer cells being killed and new cells being regenerated. 

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Update on numbers

Thanks for being patient. This round of chemo has been rough. I have had more side effects and felt sick this round in comparison to the other rounds. 

I got my AFP value back yesterday and it came back at 11.69 (previously at 126). Below 8.3 is normal. So close. Off by 3 points. The disappointment I felt took my breath away. My doctor was also disappointed and said he would come up with a game plan since I am so close. 

The plan is to redraw the AFP on Tuesday. If it is below 8, I will be done with chemo entirely. If it's not, they will come up with a game plan. So for now it's a waiting game. 

Will update more later- this chemo brain has a short attention span today. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Opportunity to give

Several people have expressed interest in helping me financially through this journey. I have given it a lot of thought and decided the best way to do this would be to create a webpage based opportunity for those who would like to give. The link to the page is:

http://www.gofundme.com/7ssj1w

The reason I had to give this a lot of thought is because I have mixed emotions about accepting help. First and foremost as someone employed in healthcare, I believe it each individual's responsibility to have insurance and have some sort of an emergency fund set up for situations like this. I am blessed to have insurance and I was in the process of building up an emergency fund when this all happened. Medical bills are scary. They pile up before you can blink.

That all being said, I also know some people really feel called to give in a monitory way. Of which is more than I could ever ask. This site was not created to guilt people into giving. That is the last thing I would ever want. I am so thankful for those who have given through time spent with me, words of encouragement through email, text, snail mail. People who have flown out to see me and spend time with me has lifted my spirit in ways I did not know possible. I am thankful for all of those things.

As a chemo/doctor update. I saw my doctor on Friday and it was confirmed, round 4 here we go! He will draw my blood on Monday March 31st (Day 1 of round 4) and assess remaining cancer in my body. If the number is 0, this will be my last round. If it is not, well, I am actually not allowing my mind to go there. My last count was at 127 (down from 68,000). It has to be 0, right?

An update on my lack of sleep. My doctor thinks my body is not able to regulate its temperature and the reason I am waking up is because I am overheating or chilled to the bone. He called it "acute ovarian failure" and quickly stated it was a good thing for this stage of treatment. He has prescribed a low dose of estrogen to combat this issue. Here is to hoping!!!

This is the last full week of "rest" before round 4. I am taking each day as it comes, but this week is significantly better than last week. Again, thank you for all your prayers, thoughts and well wishes. I could never have imagined the support I have received. Thank you all!!

Just for fun, my favorite two pictures of me and my nephew just because he is cute and who does like to see an adorable baby!
Summer 2012
This past fall- September 2013

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Memories

I have been thinking a lot about memories lately. At the beginning of the year I decided I would start a new instagram account to document 1 picture per day in the year of 2014. It has occurred to me several times that if there is not a written account of what happened or a picture, the likelihood that I will remember what happened decreases. So far, 2014 has been dominated by cancer and cancer-like things (tests, hospital stays, surgery, chemo, etc). But I truly believe the second half of the year will be filled with new memories. Memories of activities that resemble my "old" life. And that I am very much looking forward to...

Recently I have found myself watching my screensaver on my computer for hours (it cycles through my iPhotos). I love looking at places I have visited, friends I have met in several locations across this country, memories from graduate school and college. There are so many times I find myself laughing at a memory because I completely forgot about it until I saw the image. And I realized something else; I am completely blessed by this life.

I truly have the best family. A family that is 100% available for any need. I have the best friends. Friends from all walks of this life that have passed through, some even staying a while. I have gotten to see much of this vast country because of trips to see these lovely friends. I have seen quite a few other countries; making memories with loved ones in each. I have had opportunities to attend concerts, sporting events, and festivals.

I say all of this as an opportunity for perspective. I know lately my life has completely been dominated by dealing with this medical battle. I also know it wont always be like this. I know there will come a time where I can look back and talk about this part of my story. Remember it, give it the respect it deserves and move on. It is not my identity. At some point in the near future I will be able to say, I am a survivor.

I decided to include some pictures from this last weekend with my friends. It was incredibly special that they took time from their busy lives to come out and visit. I have been so supported through this whole journey by so many. Thank you all!