Thankfulness

For me, the last couple of weeks there has been a lot of focus on what I don't have. I don't have hair, my eyebrows are slowly falling out. I don't have energy to go walking like I did last week. I can't taste anything, my mouth feels raw and thus eating is a chore. I don't have muscles, which leads back to feeling weak and fatigued. I can't sleep through the night, meaning I don't have restful sleep to have energy for the day. And probably most importantly, my lab values were not low enough to definitively say I could be done with chemo and now I am in a holding pattern til more labs can we conducted next week...

In the midst of all this, I feel like I am being called to be thankful. It's a really annoying place to be for me, mostly because I am frustrated, not thankful. I want to be done with chemo, get my energy back, be able to enjoy activities and adventures I love doing. Spend time with my family without feeling so exhausted I can't participate in the conversation. Meet up with friends and not talk about cancer. 

Feeling thankful almost feels forced. What do I have to be thankful for right now? And that's where my "thankful list" is likely longer than I can imagine and certainly longer than the ones above. 

I am thankful for life. Right now I feel like death, but I woke up breathing this morning, so I am alive.

I am thankful for the support of hundreds. Really. I could never have imagined so many people would care about me in the ways you all have. It truly takes a village when something like this happens and I feel like I have the support of a small city. 

I have been so humbled by the funds raised in the last 2 weeks to help with medical expenses. The outpouring of love and generosity was unfathomable. It's always been hard for me to accept the help of others, so I feel like God is working on that part of me big time. 

I am thankful for my family being here during this time. It's not a short drive from MT and I appreciate everything they've done. I can't imagine what it's like to have a sick kid. But I do know what it's like to have very generous and supportive parents. 

I am thankful for a God who is in control. I am learning a lot about trust, peace and understanding, faith in what is to come when all of this is said and done. If it were up to me, no one would go through heartache like this. But as a result, we would miss out on so much growth. This life sucks. But I am learning to see silver linings that I never saw before. 

My thankful list could continue for pages. It's good for me to focus on this, for I can see what focusing on the other list did for me. Today, most importantly, I am thankful for one more day between me and last week. For cancer cells being killed and new cells being regenerated.