Long hair gone...

No day but Today

On that first day meeting with my oncologist I asked him what side-effects I would feel as a result of the medication. His first reply, hair loss. My first reaction was... dang, that sucks. I kind of like my hair. And I have never had short hair in my life. Okay this will be a interesting adventure.

The time came on Sunday to shave my hair. They told me it would be about 2-3 weeks after starting chemo that I would start losing my hair. Monday of last week I started losing more than I typically lose in the shower. And then I combed my hair and streams of hair started falling. I have a lot of hair so I thought I could probably make it a few more days until needing to be drastic. I had decided at the very beginning of this journey that as soon as it started falling out, I would be proactive and cut it or shave it.

Towards the end of the week I noticed my hair was falling out rapidly and becoming matted and impossible to get my comb through it. It was time. On Sunday my mom and I went to a barber shop and had a lady shave it off completely. Down to 1/8 of an inch.

That first time I looked at myself in the mirror with stubble here and there, it sank in this is real. I have had several moments throughout this process where it feels like it has been happening to someone else. Especially the days I was feeling better and almost normal. But looking at my own reflection, it was as real as it could be. This is happening to me.

The hardest part about losing my hair is it is truly the first outward impression to the world that I am sick. Until Sunday, I could go anywhere and for the most part, not look any different than your average joe. This is the first big realization that I have cancer and I am sick.

I am doing better emotionally about losing my hair than I thought. So far, my mom is the only one who has seen my bald head. I think it comes back to not wanting people to feel sorry for me when they see me out and about. I just want to feel as normal as possible.

It doenst help that I live in a culture that values beauty above all things. Where makeup and hair style are typically the first thing that people notice when they meet you. Or used to describe you to others. But I guess this is my opportunity to make my own kind of beautiful and start to redefine at least my own cultural expectations. Work to redefine my identity. So cheers to being bald; at least for the near future.