...been a while

My apologies for the long silence from me in this medium. Today is the first day I have felt well enough to write. Round 3 seems to be taking its toll on me in a way the other rounds were unable to. Whether it is the sheer amount of chemo in my system or if my body is fighting some sort of bug, its been a tough week.

This past weekend, some of my lovely college friends visited. It was fun to see them and have conversations that warmed the soul. I almost felt "normal" for a short period of time. All weekend I was tired, but could not sleep. Had feelings of nausea, but more feeling at any time I would vomit. The feeling of fatigue took a new level when I was unable to sleep more than 30-45 minutes at a time for 5 days in a row. The feelings of being strung out and weak were imminent.

I was able to hang out with friends and take small walks in the neighborhood. We made some memories together and more importantly I was able to have good, heart warming conversations with all of them. Its amazing to see how far we have all come in the last 10 years (gasp! 10 years since my freshman year of college).

The chemo brain continues to consume me into this week. I would love for my words to be elegant, but this is what I am capable in this moment. So, I am being true to that. I have been very loved by the people around me here in Portland and for that I am grateful. I am working on a host of thank you notes; so stay tuned if you recently sent something my way.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow where we should get some sort of plan for the last round of treatment and maybe some new ways to manage the lack of sleep and onset of "vomit" feeling. I will be sure to update you all soon.

As always, thank you for your faithful thoughts and prayers. There is a dim light at the end of the tunnel. I am working to build up strength for that final round this week and next.

friends! 

One more round

Just wanted to give a quick update. I mentioned at the beginning of the week they would determine if I would be done after this cycle or need to complete another one. My AFP tumor marker came back substantially reduced, but high enough to call for another cycle. My doctor was very impressed with the drop (from 2300 to 127), but would like the cancer marker to be 0.

I am bummed I have to do another 3 weeks of this, but thankful the chemo is doing it's job. My oncologist has been very positive with my body's response to the chemo and my tolerance to the regiment. Which is positive. 

My dad and sister were able to join me this week for chemo and this weekend some of my college friends are in town to hang out. Very excited to rest with these awesome people. 

Will post more later, just wanted to update everyone that I will be doing 4 cycles instead of 3. 

Weekend update #5

Here is the long awaited weekend update. I was so fortunate to have Alison come into town to hang out. She and I grew up together in Montana and since have seen each other through al of life's stages. She now lives in NYC with her husband Alex. It was great to spend so much time together, neither of us could remember since we had so much time alone together. It was perfect. Without further ado...

I was able to check more things off my 101 list, which is always fun! She arrived on Wednesday night late. Thursday morning I hung out while Alison worked remotely. We grabbed brunch at Vivace before heading out to the beach.

Driving/riding the 101 is # 49 on my list. So our first stop was Tillamook. We went to the cheese factory of course, and then headed to catch a glimpse of the Cape Meares lighthouse. It was a fun little walk to the lighthouse, which offered really cool views of the cliffs, waterfalls and waves crashing against the rocks.  We then drove to Cannon Beach where we stated the evening at the cutest Inn ever! The Inn at Cannon Beach is very highly recommend by the two of us should you find yourself in the town. We ordered pizza and got lucky because they were closing in 10 minutes. Only in a small town. The rest of the evening we hung out, ate pizza and watched Dallas Buyer's Club. 

Lighthouse, cliffs and our cute little inn/cottage in Cannon Beach

Tillamook Cheese Factory!

We woke up early the next morning and grabbed breakfast from the lobby and went back to our room to watch Silver Linings Playbook. We packed up the room and went to Haystack Rock at Cannon Beach. The tide was out, so we got very lucky and got to see different tide pools and the majority of the side of the rock. Usually the water is well covering the rock, but we were able to walk out quite a ways!

Alison and I at the beach

Alison throwing the bottle! And friends we met along the way :)

Next stop, Seaside. We didnt spend too much time here, but composed our messages for the bottles and walked around the town. It was sunny, which was fun to walk around the city.

Final stop was Astoria. We threw our messages in the bottle into the ocean, which was an adventure! We did not have the right technique and had to rescue our bottles at least 2 times before becoming content with where they landed ($86 on the list).  A few times people appeared near the ocean and we got scared they would turn us in for littering. But we got lucky, so it was meant to be!

Fort Clatsop- Astoria

I had been wanting to see some part of Oregon's history, so we went to Fort Clatsop where Lewis and Clark spent the winter 1805-1806 (#72 on the list). We got to see a replica of the fort and walk around the grounds, see a few boats, etc. It was really cool to see and the whole area of Astoria has a lot of info regarding Lewis & Clark. We had lunch in the most amazing location! An old boat that served fish & chips. So fun!! 

Bowpicker Fish & Chips- Astoria

From there we drove back to Portland and met up with my family. My brother, sister-in-law met my dad, myself and Alison for dinner. They all stayed the night and we were able to catch up a bit. Love spending time with my family and of course, hanging out with the little man.

My nephew James

Saturday I went to my brother's climbing competition and Alison went to visit her friend from college. We then spent the afternoon hanging out, watching movies together. A perfect afternoon/evening! Alison had to leave early Sunday morning which was a bummer! I loved having her in town, but was very sad to see her go. 

I met up with my friend Raynelle for froyo before church class. It was so great to see her and be able to catch up a little. Church class was amazing again! Huge blessing to have this class right now!! I was also able to get out and take a walk after class. Spring has sprung in Portland it was out in full bloom. Included is a picture of my walk. Overall, an amazing weekend!!! Loved hanging out with Alison. And of course checking of 3 items off the list!

This is the Final Count Down...

Today is hopefully my last round of chemo. Walking in today was difficult. After a fantastic weekend of almost feeling normal, it is so hard to walk back in knowing I am going to feel worse by the end of the day. But also with the knowledge that it's temporary and I have climbed back out of the trenches twice already. I can do this!

A few more updates:

• My labs came back and my platelets returned to normal levels. Will proceed with chemo this week
• The AFP tumor marker was taken today and will take 3-4 days to get results back. This is significant because the results will determine if I need another round of chemo 
• My incision is healing and the fluid continues to drain. Hoping to be done packing it in the next week or so
• Sleeping is still one of my biggest hurdles. Still working to find something to help 
• Big push this week with nutrition. I am slightly anemic so need to keep pushing the leafy greens and protein. I got a juicer last weekend, so this week it will be put to work!

My dad is here with me this week after getting to spend the weekend with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. I know my moma is missing being here this week. She is missed at the chemo salon for sure! I will update on my weekend adventures soon, so stay tuned!

Super hero week 

Fears

I am in the thick of the Divergent series (please dont judge, but my little chemo brain cannot handle the other books on my "to read" list) and a common thread throughout the first book is facing your fears. Everyone has fears of a variety of magnitudes. So while reading this book, I kept wondering what my own personal fears are and how do they play out in my life day to day?

My Fears:

• Death; my own personal death or those close to me
• Injury that would prevent me from working and I would have to depend on others
• "the unknown"
• Making a wrong decision that has large implications on my life
• Failure of any magnitude 
• Not saving enough money now for later and having to rely on others
• Snakes, clowns, feet, bugs that bite humans, etc

Fears are so interesting to me. Some of them are completely irrational and I am fully aware of that on a cognitive level, for example: clowns, snakes, feet, etc. But then there are the BIG fears, the kind that start with a capital "F". Those are the fears that "disrupt" life as we know it. I used to think cancer would be atop that list. It still might be. I am unsure.

Stepping up to face a fear is scary. Terrifying really. Not something we volunteer for on a regular basis. Facing fears requires bravery and strength. But if not pushed, why would one face a fear? My biggest fear I am facing right now is death; or at least the idea of death. It exists all around us, sometimes more intimately than others.

The thing is, in this broken world, we were not made to live forever. We are completely 100% affected by our environment, decisions we make socially and things that happen to us. Facing the idea of death is scary because we have our own specific plan for how this life is supposed to go. Death any earlier than 87 seems unnatural.

I was told once that the phrase "do not be afraid" is written 365 times in the Bible. Coincident (or not) that our modern calendar has 365 days in it. A daily reminder to not live in fear. I respect fear wholeheartedly. Fears obviously exist for a reason. But I would argue, at least in my life, when I give fear a little too much respect or space in my thoughts, it becomes disproportionate to the rest of my life. It starts to dominate my thoughts and produces anxiety.

So I am stepping out in saying I am going to give my fears the respect they deserve and evaluate each one. Because each of them produces an emotional response of either a past memory or a conceived situation produced by my brain. Some of them have driven me to do productive things in my life (which I would argue is ultimately good). Others have left me paralyzed thinking of the possibility of them. It would be interesting to me to know what others fear. And if others find they have a mix of rational and irrational fears. Something to ponder....

Rejected...

Today was supposed to be a chemo day where I got Bleomycin. But my platelet counts were too low for the treatment. So now we await my doctor's decision of whether he will post-pone my treatments for 1 week and resume next week or if he will just skip this treatment all together and start next week as planned. Either way, this week was meant to be a rest week and I am okay with that. :)

This weekend was pretty relaxing which was nice. I had several bouts of "not feeling well" which was frustrating. But trying hard to listen to my body more and rest when it is begging me to rest. We caught a Blazers game on Saturday night which was a lot of fun. Sunday was pretty low-key. Ran some errands with Jenn and then went to my church class. Sunday night, some friends joined us for dinner which was really nice.

Tomorrow one of my best friends from home is coming into town for a few days and I am so excited!! Its been forever since we had just-the-two-of-us time, so I am really looking forward to it!

Just wanted to post a quick update on how things are going lately. I have a few more post planned for later this week, so keep checking back. I am truly grateful for all of your support and kind words. Its a battle for sure, but I am trying hard to be on the winning front.

Rainy day Portland

I thought today I would just write to write. I miss writing on my other blog, but have had such writers block since my diagnosis. I feel like words that use to flow freely in a somewhat eloquent way are jumbled up and spit out in an accent that isnt mine. So please bear with me as I try to reclaim my voice.

Today is a classic rainy day in Portland. The kind that makes you want to brew a cup of coffee and curl up next to a fire and read a book. Or in my case, seek the comfy chairs at a coffee shop close to my home and attempt to write! Today is a day where the clouds have no end and no beginning. They expand across the sky as one giant blanket. If you look closely enough you can see them moving in and out of each other; none of them relinquishing a glimpse of the so called blue sky. Its a rain boot wearing kind of day as the low spots in the sidewalk are collecting water and sometimes, it just feels good to walk through a puddle.

Portland is truly my favorite city in this country. I often talk about how much I loved living in New York and how Montana will always be home. Europe was pretty awesome and living in Denver was fun, but Portland (in my opinion) is one of those cities that truly captures every part of oneself. Portland ranks in the top 10 of a lot of lists, some funny and some respectable. I hear a lot of stories about how people came here for a job or school and just never left. And to that, I can relate.

I havent written a list in a long time, so I thought I would comprise a list of some of my favorite things about Portland. Here you go!

1. Its okay (and maybe encouraged) to be a coffee snob. But with that comes some of the best coffee in the country. Half the battle is a good roast. The half is the brewing process which I would like to get better at. It is #80 on my list in fact
2. Food carts and hole in the wall places are everywhere offering some tasty menus for low budget people like me. Anna and I visited one today for lunch and it was delightful
3. Its a bike friendly city. I love biking to work and being able to transverse the city without threat to my life.
4. The bridges, water and green landscape are abundant. I feel most at home when I am near water and even though the Willamette River isnt one to swim in, just hearing the water slap up against the edges is music to my ears on summer nights
5. Because it rains. And because it rains, nearly everything is green. The rain affords lovely contemplative days like today. Because everyone knows rainy days bring moments of nostalgia and deep thoughts tend to outnumber the simple ones

Short list today, but it feels good to write again. I appreciate this rainy day. Perhaps this is just what I needed 

Accepting help

This whole cancer situation has taught me a lot about how to accept help. If you know me, you know that I am highly independent. My parents would probably say I was born that way. I dont remember a lot about my early childhood, but what I do remember is I possessed a strong-will from the start; or at least I have been told that ;)

That strong-will has gotten me many places. I firmly believe it helped propel me forward in academics. It athletics. In fighting for my place in this crazy upturned world. I know there is this innate sense of self-worth interwoven with accomplishments as a result of being independent. A drive that has always alluded to there being something more to achieve, earn and work towards.

I guess what I am saying is this: being highly independent and driven has been an absolutely blessing when it comes to achieving things, but has been hard when needing to accept help. This happened when I went through the set backs with my knee surgeries in graduate school. And now I am faced with it again.

Turns out, this cancer situation is allowing more time to learn some life lessons. Its okay to need help. Its okay to accept help when it is offered. In fact, it is somewhat therapeutic to allow others to help you; both for them and for me.  And I am thankful for the help. I know I could not get through this without the help of many. Namely, my mom. She spent over a month in Portland helping me both physically with tasks and emotionally with support. My friends who have taken days off work to spend with me. My coworkers who have supplied meals and small gifts that warm the soul. My extended network of friends who have sent cards, letters, blankets, hats, food, etc. I could not do this without you.

The rub is the gray area of that time when I feel I dont need as much help. The times I am building back up, gaining strength and can do more for myself. Those moments are the times that are incredibly hard to allow space to receive help. I am not good at that. I want to be independent. I want to do things for myself (if I can). I want to be me. And "me" is this highly independent, self-suffiecent person who actually gets enjoyment and if I am honest, a bit of my self-worth from what I can do for myself.

So this is an area of self-development for me. I am working on accepting help where I need it, but being true to myself when I know I can do something on my own. Its a humbling place to be.

Weekend #4... fatigue

On the Waterfront

Hard to believe I am on the other side of another weekend; particularly one following a 6 day treatment cycle. It feels good to know I have two weeks to regain some strength, build back up and face round 3 with vengeance. This weekend was pretty low key as I was really tired from treatment all week.

One of the biggest challenges for me has been adjusting my expectations of what I can do in one 24 hour period. If you knew me before, I was always on the run. Thinking, dreaming, planning adventures to be had in Portland, the PacNW or visiting friends in other parts of the country. I would think nothing of working a 10+ hour day and going to a concert that night only to work the next morning. Now this is not to boast in anyway, it is only meant to highlight the drastic difference in my current situation.

Jason and my mom after the cut

Friday the highlight was my mom cut her hair!! It is so beautiful and I cant wait to see how she will style it. She wanted to cut it short because I lost my hair, which was entirely too sweet of her. We found a cute look and my hairstylist turned her into one hot moma! Love love love her hair cut!!!

On Saturday I had treatment. Only about 1.5-2 hours. Received more steroids and more fluids to continue to flush my kidneys of toxic Cisplatin and to receive a shot to encourage immature white blood cells to exit large healthy bones to build back up my immune system. I could tell I was tired because normally I tool around on my iPad or read and all I wanted to do was lay there. After chemo we ran an errand or two and I knew I was wiped. We came home and it was all I could do to get off the couch. My mom went on a date with two of my professors from college (Julie and Jeanette) who took her out for dessert and tea for the afternoon. So lovely and sweet of them.  The rest of my evening was spent either in my bed or on the couch.

On Sunday my mom and I had arranged to take a walking tour of Portland. She had mentioned at some time while she was here that she thought it would be interesting to learn more about Portland. So we took a 2 hour guided tour of the city and walked about 2 miles. It was really informative and cool to learn some of those things with my mom. I was tuckered out after the tour so we came back home. I had church class that afternoon and again had to come home following it.

Managing fatigue is very new for me. I am not used to slowing down, at all. I am getting better at listening to my body, but it is still hard to slow down. This morning before I got out of bed I had some quiet time and allowed myself to just "be still" and completely shut down my overactive mind. It was a challenge, but was really rewarding once I was able to do it.

Portland Walking Tour with my mom

frustrations and attitude

Some of the hardest things while going through this has been watching everyone else's life continue, while mine seems to be on hold for a while. I will find myself reading through blogs I follow and see people moving onto the next phases of their lives. A huge part of my blogging in the past has been to document life adventures, thoughts on growth and life stages and the daily ramblings of my mind. I feel like right now I have nothing to contribute to that blog because I feel like my life is on hold right now.

I get that is not the truth. I get that its more or less just feelings I have because I have been knocked off the path I thought I would be on. And more than anything its been frustrating. But its not the first time my life has been pushed in a direction I didnt plan for it go down. And I survived that...

I truly believe you either control your attitude or it controls you.

Daily I am choosing to have a positive attitude. I would be 100% lying if I said this is easy. Some days it is. Somedays I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and take each step as it comes. Other days I just want to throw in the towel and be done. I am sick of feeling crappy. I am sick of feeling sick. But obviously that is not helpful.

So what do you do? I have decided to try and continue to live my life as best I know. I am continuing to invest in relationships of those around me and continue to grow as person. I am really excited about the class I am taking at church. It will really push me to grow and sometimes forced growth can be the best. Or at least the best to initiate the growth until I have the momentum to sustain it.