Processing the emotional trauma of chemotherapy

Shameless selfie :)

Oh man! How is it August already? I realize I have taken a large hiatus from this corner of the internet that I call mine. That is partly because I have been trying to back on my feet and partly because I havent had a ton to write about. Things for the most part have been going well. I have my 4 month post-chemo appointment in two weeks and to be honest, I am a little nervous. Before all of this happened, I never really thought about the minor aches and pains. I have had digestive issues before, but never once did my mind jump to cancer. Now, I am afraid that each time I have some aliment that lingers longer than the average, I will think my cancer is back. 

A few weeks ago I had some abnormal abdominal pain that was nagging and wouldnt let up. I called my oncologist and he told me to come in. After several physical exams, they decided I should get scanned to rule out anything "scary". I also got my blood drawn since I was there. Long story short, everything came back negative. Blood levels are completely normal and my CTs were clean. Praise God to be healed!

But the flood of feelings sitting and waiting for scans was quite emotional.

While waiting to get my blood drawn, I sat in the chair just hoping my numbers were still low. I was just starting to feel like some small portion of my life was getting back to normal. And to be reminded, yet again, I am not in control of my health was (and is) frustrating. The smell of the saline as it penetrated my veins was suffocating. It literally made me sick to my stomach with the thought that I might not be done with this nightmare. After I gave blood, I had to go downstairs to get scanned. I was required to ingest contrast before the scans and as I waited (65 minutes), my mind raced. It was flooded with memories of sitting in the waiting room and feeling nauseated, fatigued, weak, tired and helpless. Remembering sitting for hours on end with a needle that pierced my skin, slowly dumping chemicals into my heart. Watching people come and go to visit me or other patients. The memories are crisp and fresh like they happened yesterday.

I have some work to do to process through the trauma of being a cancer survivor. Interestingly enough, a lot of my treatment, I do not remember. I truly believe it is the body's way of protecting itself. Survival mode only. Remember only what is necessary and let others take care of the rest. I am working with a counselor to process through a lot of this and its been really helpful. I grossly underestimated the impact the first four months of this year were on me. Now is the time to unpack those layers and be a whole person again. Something I am truly looking forward to again :)

Picture from when Kristen was in town a few weeks ago

Beauty

This afternoon I was walking through Barns & Noble to waste some time before meeting for dinner when someone touched my arm. I turned to look at who was on the other end of the semi-affectionate grasp and to my surprise I did not know the women. She said, "sorry to bother you, but I watched you walk in and I just have to tell you that you are beautiful and this look really works for you". I must have had the most dumbfounded look on my face because she quickly followed up with, "I am doing my best to acknowledge beauty when I see it. In a world where it is so difficult to be a woman, I think we need small reminders". She went on to tell me three years ago she went through chemotherapy for a rare blood cancer. She opened up to me in a way that was profound, intimate and altogether authentically raw. In the span of ten minutes I was moved to tears and touched so deeply by a complete stranger. 

It was a perfect reminder of how quick we are to be harsh on our outward appearance. We judge to quickly. It is impossible to know the battle a stranger is fighting and sometimes it only takes a smile to reassure someone from across the room. 

I am also reminded of how sweet honesty is. This woman was wise beyond her years and she will change lives if she continues to tell her story. It is my hope that I can be that to someone when they need it most. All it took was some courage to approach a stranger and speak honest truth. 

Did I mention she was 19 years old? 

What's your perspective on beauty and how will her story change your outward expression of it?

Freedom to live

As I enter this stage of freedom from my disease, it is so real to me that more and more people every day are being diagnosed. My heart breaks for those who receive the awful news that the pain they have been experiencing is cancer. Especially a diagnosis of ovarian cancer... "the silent killer". I am becoming more aware of how fortunate I am for surviving such a horrible disease, when many people arent so lucky. Having gone through this, I stumble across other people's stories fairly frequently; some of them end abruptly. No entries or updates past a particularly trying day. And I am left only to assume.

 

And though I am grateful for this phase of my life to be behind me, daily I am reminded of the assault on my body as random side-effects come and go. With every step I take, I am acutely aware of how strong the poison of chemotherapy was with the growing numbness in my feet. Each time I look in the mirror, my tired eyes tell the story of the battle. And yet, as more days pass from my last treatment of chemotherapy, the more freedom I feel. Freedom from disease, but also freedom from anxieties and fears I had before. 

I am forever changed. I have new scars that have stamped their unique design across my skin. It is known that scar tissue is stronger than the skin it replaced. Often, it is painful as scar tissue lays down. Breaking through scar tissue can also be painful. But some of the best healing takes place after the scar has been broken free. 

Some of the healing is slow. Physical healing takes time (I am reminded of this daily). For me, the emotional healing is just beginning. I am processing through emotions I had during chemo and in the days following. I feel blessed to have the support of my friends and family, but have decided to seek additional support in processing the past few months. I started seeing a counselor and hope to continue breaking free of past fears and anxieties with her guidance. More on that to come, I am sure. 

For now, I sit on my deck with the sun setting behind me, birds chirping in the distance and the sound of laughter coming from my neighbor's house. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to keep living. Each morning there is a nod to God for allowing me to keep breathing. A thankful heart as I go about my day. Just as those scars remind me of the battle, my continued breathing reminds me of life. Joyous, utterly delightful life. And for that I am filled with gratitude. 

Portland International Rose Garden 

Hair growth progress

Ever since the day I found out I would lose my hair, I have been a mixed bag of emotions (read about that here). At first, I was really mad. I liked my hair. Never have I had short hair and just the thought was quite terrifying. Then, once it started falling out, I realized being completely bald was actually quite easy and saved me loads of time getting ready each morning. In America, hair is highly regarded as one of the key components of beauty. Yearly, millions of dollars is spent cutting, coloring, straightening, etc. all for what? To feel beautiful.

When I started back to work, I purchased another wig that could be worn without a hat. My mom bought me a wig early in my cancer treatments that is designed to be worn under a hat. It is so fun because it is really long and has highlights (something I have never done to my own hair). The wig I bought for work is shoulder length and looks very similar to what my natural hair looked like. The primary reason I wear a wig to work is because I can pick and chose who I tell my story to. If I go without my wig, it is very apparent I have just been through chemo, which comes with a lot of questions. I am managing anywhere from 40-60 patients on my caseload and not all of them need to know my story.

Since starting work, I have had a lot of funny moments with my wigs. The first week, I was so paranoid that it would shift significantly and my patients would notice (in my mind, I picture a child seeing someone's toupee move or fly off all together and the horror on their face). Every time I would bend forward, I would feel it move a millimeter and freak out internally. Or there were a couple of times I caught myself with having an itch and just slid my wig back and forth to get at the itch not realizing my hairline moved inches. A few times I would get on the streetcar or bus and immediately pull it off and put it in my bag not realizing people were watching the process and probably wondering "what the heck?"

The truth is, my hair is finally growing and there will be more and more times that I step out without it on. Most weekends I do not wear it. I know that I do not need to wear it to feel beautiful, but being without hair is not natural in our culture and is a red flag for additional questions. And sometimes, you want to be anonymous in a large crowd. Blend in with culture. And that is okay :)

Here is the last month of hair growth for me:

First picture taken May 6th; Last picture June 16th

And little humor for you:

Resting, an ongoing lesson for me...

Today is all about resting! In this moment, I am sitting in my chair hammock, rocking back and forth trying to figure out what to do next on this lovely 80+ degree day. My hammock is perfectly located in the front of my house, under the porch awning with options for shade and sun depending on the time of day. This weekend I spent a few hours working on maintaining my little green space and it looks fantastic (but my body is sore and I feel muscles that I long forgot about)! I feel like I am in the middle of the forrest instead of the middle of the city; another perk of my house being tucked off the street. The cool breeze that is circulating brings the fresh smell of pine and dirt. A funny combination, but perfect for transporting me back into the mountains of CO or MT.

My chair hammock is ideal for being productive on my computer or reading a book, but also stretches out to allow for a nap too :) I got it when I was in Nicaragua over 2 years ago and this was the first chance I got to put it up. I am finding more and more reasons to spend time in it :) Can you tell I am in love with the hammock?

I am still figuring out how to be content with resting. That's a funny line to write, but it really is difficult for me to slow down and rest. This weekend I spent a good deal of time reading and felt good about catching up from the week (cleaning, laundry, meal planning, etc). But there is still this very strong pull to be productive or at least be adventurous. Portland is a city that compels adventure on every corner. Literally.  In my own quant neighborhood, new restaurants, cafes, coffee shops and bars are popping up everywhere. And I want to try them all! Especially when the weather is beautiful.

This week I am supposed to be at 100% full time. I have been having a hard time adjusting to work demands, so I emailed my manager today to find out what options I have to temporarily reduce my schedule. It has been taking at least a full day (sometimes 2) to rebound from a work week, so I seems important to not return to full time just yet. I think if I could make it through July with a reduced schedule, I would be good to go. Praying it is possible, because that would make a world of a difference.

Here are some highlights from the weekend!

Home

World Cup, Jersey Boys and flowers

Part III: Walk with me...

Going through the chemotherapy treatments provided me with more downtime than I have ever experienced in my life. Prior to cancer, I was always running full speed ahead. In fact, I thrive in that environment. I find peace when I can control certain aspects of my life. I usually plan my schedule so that I can maximize my time; whether it be a weekend day or the hours between getting off work and my head hitting the pillow.

This past January I was able to take a hard look at my life. What were my priorities?  How was I allotting my time to be spent? If I had an extra few hours unplanned in my day, what did I decide to fill it with?

It seems all my life, my time with my God has been a bit like a river. There are eb and flow moments where the rhythm feels natural.  And then there are moments where I feel like the river is rushing so fast I am barely keeping up. Other times I feel like the water is dried up or I am suck in an eddie with lackluster purpose. Shifting between these phases usually has more to do with my schedule and priorities. When less of me is demanded, I find it easier to devote that time to God. When more is demanded of me, it falls by the wayside. Never entirely, but enough to feel noticeable.

This is what I know to be true. The times in my life where I have felt the call, "walk with me" and obeyed, are among the most rich.

This past winter I was at this crossroads where I felt like God was calling me to walk with Him. No excuses. Simply asking me to put my faith in Him and trust that He had the entire situation in control. Talk about humbling and terrifying at the same time. I felt the pull to know who God is, understand his character more. The passage I have studied that reveals God's character (straight from his own mouth) is in Exodus 34:6-7. God is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, loving and forgiving and just. This is what I needed to know. Who is my God? What defines his character? How does knowing his character influence my own character?

And so I walked with my God. Dug in and learned more about my character. Learned more about what it meant to be me; my truest self. And God was faithful; he walked with me through it all.

Part II: Silence
Part I: Pull Over

"Crossroads"... my house in Portland

Part II: Silence

What does one do when time stands still? The silence of the moment is deafening. The high pitched ringing in my ears was so real. Everything around me in that moment had stopped. Life hanging in the balance. And with every move made, an accompanying fear of shifting the balance in the wrong direction.

"Walk with me". A sweet command echoed in the silence.

As the days went by and tests were completed and the diagnosis had been made, I was forced to stop and listen. I remember one day specifically, looking into the mirror right after I shaved my head and knowing I was going to be alright, but it was going to take some time.

Time. It's a funny thing. You come to believe time is yours to own; to do with it as you wish. But in reality, the clock is ticking on everyone. Time is but a gift we have been given and what we choose to do with it determines a lot of things. In the mirror, in that moment, I did not want this process to take time. I wanted a quick fix so that I could return to my life. But looking in the mirror, with my hair falling out and my eyes sinking, I knew I needed to listen.

"Walk with me. Trust in me"

I dont want to walk with you! I dont want to walk at all. What I want is my life to be exactly how it used to be. Trusting is not really my strong suit, especially putting all my trust in something I cant see or touch. But in the silence, I hear it loud and clear:

"The road will be here when we are ready to get back on it. But for now, we are going to stay right here and work some things out. Things are going to be different for a while and you're going to learn to trust me. To learn on me, and at times, allowing me to do the walking for you. I need you to be still and listen. I need you to embrace the silence that is all around us. I need you to trust me."

Silence was unheard of in my life. Always some noise in the background. Now I was realizing the background noise was distracting me from hearing God's voice. He was commanding me to be still and listen. Embrace the silence and walk with him.

If you missed it- Part I: Pull Over

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still ~Exodus 14:14

Montana

Update

Before posting another one for the series I am working on, I thought I would provide a quick update on how I am doing and how things are going.

My oncologist said my blood work continues to look good, so I will be followed monthly for blood work and then follow up with him in August. It's a really good feeling to not have to get blood draws multiple times per week. 

My hair is growing back slowly, but surely! This week was the first time I noticed a difference from week to week. It's coming in about the same color as before, but only time will tell on the texture :). I am sleeping a smidge better, but still very depended on sleep aids to get quality sleep. I have some intermittent neuropathy in my feet, which is mostly annoying, but has thrown off my balance a little bit.

I started back to full time last week and realized about mid-week that it was too much. I was mentally and physically done each day with nothing left in my tank. Last week I went to bed nearly every night by 830/9pm. Aside from the exhaustion, I really loved being back at work. Loved treating patients again. Just need to find the balance where I am not completely exhausted from a few days of work. This week I cut my hours back; really hoping it makes a difference. 

Other than that, things are going well. Had a restful weekend and was able to hang my hammock yesterday. I am very much looking forward to spending time in it this summer reading and taking naps. 

Part I: Pull Over

I have been asked a lot lately, "what perspective did you gain from going through all of this?" and though it is an appropriate question for inquiring minds, it is not a 5 minute or even 20 minute answer. For those of you who have been following me throughout the journey, you've heard me talk about some of the many facets to this question. Likely in bits and pieces at coffee shops, my living room couch or over a meal. My goal in the next couple of weeks is to write out what I have been learning about humanity. Spell out some of what God is doing in my life. To identify, in a coherent manner, what aspects of going through the circus to beat this terrible disease can be seen as good; the ultimate sanctifying good. When a person goes through a life/death situation, there is a inevitable pull to be introspective at times. Which is good. At least it can be good. And in this case I truly believe it was good.

What do bad things happen to good people? Age old question I assume. Ironically it wasnt really a question I asked through this whole process. And I think that has everything to do with my world view.

I have been likening my experience to an analogy of driving down a road. The road, in this case, is life. The car would be the space in which I exist on the road (life). If we are going to be honest, the last twenty eight years of my life have been fairly blessed. By situations, circumstances, people (friends, family, the like), career and anything else you want to throw in there. Every curveball or challenge that has been thrown my way, I have sought to be a better person, a more empathetic adult and hopefully contribute to society in a more productive manner. Each situation seemingly preparing me for the next. The road has been relatively uncomplicated; with anticipated mountains and valleys, bends and curves.

There I was, driving my car down the road of life when a warning sign came on in my car causing me to pull over. There I sat, waiting for the next move. Get back on the road continuing as things were? But my car was at a dead stop. And that's when I felt an encouraging voice say "Dont be afraid. We are going to hang out here for a while, you and me. It's been a while since I have had your full attention. Dont worry, this is not a forever thing- soon enough you will be back on that road again". The tone of voice was gentle.  As if saying, "we have some catching up to do".

My immediate thoughts were, "I dont have time for this. I am really busy. It is Christmas and my family is here. I have to work several times between now and the new year. People are counting on me... Did I mention, I really dont have time for this"

And thats where the story begins. Me and my God sitting in the front seat of my car, watching other cars pass by as if nothing was out of the ordinary. It soon became apparent there had been many attempts to get my attention. And though this was drastic, it soon become obvious it was both temporary and necessary.

Big week and big weekend

Last week went well! Thank you all for your prayers, text messages and thoughts. I made it through the week. I ended up having over 16 new evaluations in just 26 hours of work, along with some other patients. I was absolutely buried in paperwork, but had a blast being back at work. Everyone was fantastic and so thoughtful that it made being back at work such a natural transition. I am thankful I am doing half days both last week and this week and a little nervous about doing full days next week.

This past weekend my nephew turned 2!! My parents were able to come out to Oregon to celebrate with us, which was a treat after being able to spend so much time in Montana with them. We went down to Burk and Lydia's on Friday and came back on Sunday morning. The trip was too short as always, but it was packed with all around good quality time spent with each other. Lydia's family was able to come down as well, so it was good to catch up with them.

I am still working on the online spinal cord injury course I started roughly a month ago. It has been great to reengage my brain with patient specific information, but a lot harder to finish when I have work demands. Tomorrow I get to go to a symposium on concussion and moderate brain injury, which will also be good to get those wheels spinning again. I have seen a lot of patients this week with concussions, so it will help to solidify knowledge in regards to evidence based treatment for them. I am thankful to work in a university setting where these continuing education opportunities are readily available for us.

I added some of my favorite pictures from the weekend spent with my nephew. He is such a sweet boy with an infectious laugh, kind and loving spirit and the happiest little guy I know. I am thankful for my brother and sister-in-law and their hospitality over the weekend.