Processing the emotional trauma of chemotherapy

Shameless selfie :)

Oh man! How is it August already? I realize I have taken a large hiatus from this corner of the internet that I call mine. That is partly because I have been trying to back on my feet and partly because I havent had a ton to write about. Things for the most part have been going well. I have my 4 month post-chemo appointment in two weeks and to be honest, I am a little nervous. Before all of this happened, I never really thought about the minor aches and pains. I have had digestive issues before, but never once did my mind jump to cancer. Now, I am afraid that each time I have some aliment that lingers longer than the average, I will think my cancer is back. 

A few weeks ago I had some abnormal abdominal pain that was nagging and wouldnt let up. I called my oncologist and he told me to come in. After several physical exams, they decided I should get scanned to rule out anything "scary". I also got my blood drawn since I was there. Long story short, everything came back negative. Blood levels are completely normal and my CTs were clean. Praise God to be healed!

But the flood of feelings sitting and waiting for scans was quite emotional.

While waiting to get my blood drawn, I sat in the chair just hoping my numbers were still low. I was just starting to feel like some small portion of my life was getting back to normal. And to be reminded, yet again, I am not in control of my health was (and is) frustrating. The smell of the saline as it penetrated my veins was suffocating. It literally made me sick to my stomach with the thought that I might not be done with this nightmare. After I gave blood, I had to go downstairs to get scanned. I was required to ingest contrast before the scans and as I waited (65 minutes), my mind raced. It was flooded with memories of sitting in the waiting room and feeling nauseated, fatigued, weak, tired and helpless. Remembering sitting for hours on end with a needle that pierced my skin, slowly dumping chemicals into my heart. Watching people come and go to visit me or other patients. The memories are crisp and fresh like they happened yesterday.

I have some work to do to process through the trauma of being a cancer survivor. Interestingly enough, a lot of my treatment, I do not remember. I truly believe it is the body's way of protecting itself. Survival mode only. Remember only what is necessary and let others take care of the rest. I am working with a counselor to process through a lot of this and its been really helpful. I grossly underestimated the impact the first four months of this year were on me. Now is the time to unpack those layers and be a whole person again. Something I am truly looking forward to again :)

Picture from when Kristen was in town a few weeks ago

Accepting help

This whole cancer situation has taught me a lot about how to accept help. If you know me, you know that I am highly independent. My parents would probably say I was born that way. I dont remember a lot about my early childhood, but what I do remember is I possessed a strong-will from the start; or at least I have been told that ;)

That strong-will has gotten me many places. I firmly believe it helped propel me forward in academics. It athletics. In fighting for my place in this crazy upturned world. I know there is this innate sense of self-worth interwoven with accomplishments as a result of being independent. A drive that has always alluded to there being something more to achieve, earn and work towards.

I guess what I am saying is this: being highly independent and driven has been an absolutely blessing when it comes to achieving things, but has been hard when needing to accept help. This happened when I went through the set backs with my knee surgeries in graduate school. And now I am faced with it again.

Turns out, this cancer situation is allowing more time to learn some life lessons. Its okay to need help. Its okay to accept help when it is offered. In fact, it is somewhat therapeutic to allow others to help you; both for them and for me.  And I am thankful for the help. I know I could not get through this without the help of many. Namely, my mom. She spent over a month in Portland helping me both physically with tasks and emotionally with support. My friends who have taken days off work to spend with me. My coworkers who have supplied meals and small gifts that warm the soul. My extended network of friends who have sent cards, letters, blankets, hats, food, etc. I could not do this without you.

The rub is the gray area of that time when I feel I dont need as much help. The times I am building back up, gaining strength and can do more for myself. Those moments are the times that are incredibly hard to allow space to receive help. I am not good at that. I want to be independent. I want to do things for myself (if I can). I want to be me. And "me" is this highly independent, self-suffiecent person who actually gets enjoyment and if I am honest, a bit of my self-worth from what I can do for myself.

So this is an area of self-development for me. I am working on accepting help where I need it, but being true to myself when I know I can do something on my own. Its a humbling place to be.

Perception is freedom

Today I have been thinking a lot about the perception of having cancer. Its quite an interesting topic and one that obviously has written itself right into my life. Today I was walking to my chemo treatment with my mom and I was noticing the people walking by us. Each person carries an aurora to them. Or rather an attitude. This perception of the person can easily be interpreted in many different ways. I think about how I used to "carry" myself before. What did people think of when they saw me as a passerby?

Having cancer makes you stop and think. Each person you see has a different battle they are dealing with in that particular moment. Or that they are going home to that night. Or that they have been avoiding all day. Each person is wounded. Broken. Hurt. Longing to be loved a little bit more. Each person has likely been taxed beyond their normal limits and are just seeking some silent solace. At least, thats what I have been seeing in people's eyes when I actually make the decision to look; rather than avoid my glance like I am entering a restricted zone.

Having cancer has been freeing for me. I know, kind of sounds weird to say out loud. I feel like this diagnosis has given me the freedom once again to choose exactly what I want to do and go about living exactly how I want to. Let me back up. When I moved back to Oregon and got my job at OHSU, I was extremely grateful. Living in a city I love, "dream job" at a premiere health institute and a bunch of coworkers I actually enjoy spending 40+ hour a week with. But i felt stuck. Things started to become "too good". I stopped challenging myself in ways I used to seek willingly. I became complacent.

Well, I am no longer complacent.

Its time I think we all start giving ourselves a little more grace when it comes to dealing with the day in and day out. I think its time we start to challenge ourselves to seek exactly what we want. Because if you dont do that now, when else are you going to do it? I dont care if you you are 64.5 and almost retired. What do you WANT to do with your life? I am 29 years old and I am fighting to do exactly what I want. And you better believe when I figure out what it is I want, I am running fast after it!