Resting, an ongoing lesson for me...

Today is all about resting! In this moment, I am sitting in my chair hammock, rocking back and forth trying to figure out what to do next on this lovely 80+ degree day. My hammock is perfectly located in the front of my house, under the porch awning with options for shade and sun depending on the time of day. This weekend I spent a few hours working on maintaining my little green space and it looks fantastic (but my body is sore and I feel muscles that I long forgot about)! I feel like I am in the middle of the forrest instead of the middle of the city; another perk of my house being tucked off the street. The cool breeze that is circulating brings the fresh smell of pine and dirt. A funny combination, but perfect for transporting me back into the mountains of CO or MT.

My chair hammock is ideal for being productive on my computer or reading a book, but also stretches out to allow for a nap too :) I got it when I was in Nicaragua over 2 years ago and this was the first chance I got to put it up. I am finding more and more reasons to spend time in it :) Can you tell I am in love with the hammock?

I am still figuring out how to be content with resting. That's a funny line to write, but it really is difficult for me to slow down and rest. This weekend I spent a good deal of time reading and felt good about catching up from the week (cleaning, laundry, meal planning, etc). But there is still this very strong pull to be productive or at least be adventurous. Portland is a city that compels adventure on every corner. Literally.  In my own quant neighborhood, new restaurants, cafes, coffee shops and bars are popping up everywhere. And I want to try them all! Especially when the weather is beautiful.

This week I am supposed to be at 100% full time. I have been having a hard time adjusting to work demands, so I emailed my manager today to find out what options I have to temporarily reduce my schedule. It has been taking at least a full day (sometimes 2) to rebound from a work week, so I seems important to not return to full time just yet. I think if I could make it through July with a reduced schedule, I would be good to go. Praying it is possible, because that would make a world of a difference.

Here are some highlights from the weekend!

Home

World Cup, Jersey Boys and flowers

Memories

I have been thinking a lot about memories lately. At the beginning of the year I decided I would start a new instagram account to document 1 picture per day in the year of 2014. It has occurred to me several times that if there is not a written account of what happened or a picture, the likelihood that I will remember what happened decreases. So far, 2014 has been dominated by cancer and cancer-like things (tests, hospital stays, surgery, chemo, etc). But I truly believe the second half of the year will be filled with new memories. Memories of activities that resemble my "old" life. And that I am very much looking forward to...

Recently I have found myself watching my screensaver on my computer for hours (it cycles through my iPhotos). I love looking at places I have visited, friends I have met in several locations across this country, memories from graduate school and college. There are so many times I find myself laughing at a memory because I completely forgot about it until I saw the image. And I realized something else; I am completely blessed by this life.

I truly have the best family. A family that is 100% available for any need. I have the best friends. Friends from all walks of this life that have passed through, some even staying a while. I have gotten to see much of this vast country because of trips to see these lovely friends. I have seen quite a few other countries; making memories with loved ones in each. I have had opportunities to attend concerts, sporting events, and festivals.

I say all of this as an opportunity for perspective. I know lately my life has completely been dominated by dealing with this medical battle. I also know it wont always be like this. I know there will come a time where I can look back and talk about this part of my story. Remember it, give it the respect it deserves and move on. It is not my identity. At some point in the near future I will be able to say, I am a survivor.

I decided to include some pictures from this last weekend with my friends. It was incredibly special that they took time from their busy lives to come out and visit. I have been so supported through this whole journey by so many. Thank you all!

Weekend update #5

Here is the long awaited weekend update. I was so fortunate to have Alison come into town to hang out. She and I grew up together in Montana and since have seen each other through al of life's stages. She now lives in NYC with her husband Alex. It was great to spend so much time together, neither of us could remember since we had so much time alone together. It was perfect. Without further ado...

I was able to check more things off my 101 list, which is always fun! She arrived on Wednesday night late. Thursday morning I hung out while Alison worked remotely. We grabbed brunch at Vivace before heading out to the beach.

Driving/riding the 101 is # 49 on my list. So our first stop was Tillamook. We went to the cheese factory of course, and then headed to catch a glimpse of the Cape Meares lighthouse. It was a fun little walk to the lighthouse, which offered really cool views of the cliffs, waterfalls and waves crashing against the rocks.  We then drove to Cannon Beach where we stated the evening at the cutest Inn ever! The Inn at Cannon Beach is very highly recommend by the two of us should you find yourself in the town. We ordered pizza and got lucky because they were closing in 10 minutes. Only in a small town. The rest of the evening we hung out, ate pizza and watched Dallas Buyer's Club. 

Lighthouse, cliffs and our cute little inn/cottage in Cannon Beach

Tillamook Cheese Factory!

We woke up early the next morning and grabbed breakfast from the lobby and went back to our room to watch Silver Linings Playbook. We packed up the room and went to Haystack Rock at Cannon Beach. The tide was out, so we got very lucky and got to see different tide pools and the majority of the side of the rock. Usually the water is well covering the rock, but we were able to walk out quite a ways!

Alison and I at the beach

Alison throwing the bottle! And friends we met along the way :)

Next stop, Seaside. We didnt spend too much time here, but composed our messages for the bottles and walked around the town. It was sunny, which was fun to walk around the city.

Final stop was Astoria. We threw our messages in the bottle into the ocean, which was an adventure! We did not have the right technique and had to rescue our bottles at least 2 times before becoming content with where they landed ($86 on the list).  A few times people appeared near the ocean and we got scared they would turn us in for littering. But we got lucky, so it was meant to be!

Fort Clatsop- Astoria

I had been wanting to see some part of Oregon's history, so we went to Fort Clatsop where Lewis and Clark spent the winter 1805-1806 (#72 on the list). We got to see a replica of the fort and walk around the grounds, see a few boats, etc. It was really cool to see and the whole area of Astoria has a lot of info regarding Lewis & Clark. We had lunch in the most amazing location! An old boat that served fish & chips. So fun!! 

Bowpicker Fish & Chips- Astoria

From there we drove back to Portland and met up with my family. My brother, sister-in-law met my dad, myself and Alison for dinner. They all stayed the night and we were able to catch up a bit. Love spending time with my family and of course, hanging out with the little man.

My nephew James

Saturday I went to my brother's climbing competition and Alison went to visit her friend from college. We then spent the afternoon hanging out, watching movies together. A perfect afternoon/evening! Alison had to leave early Sunday morning which was a bummer! I loved having her in town, but was very sad to see her go. 

I met up with my friend Raynelle for froyo before church class. It was so great to see her and be able to catch up a little. Church class was amazing again! Huge blessing to have this class right now!! I was also able to get out and take a walk after class. Spring has sprung in Portland it was out in full bloom. Included is a picture of my walk. Overall, an amazing weekend!!! Loved hanging out with Alison. And of course checking of 3 items off the list!

Weekend #4... fatigue

On the Waterfront

Hard to believe I am on the other side of another weekend; particularly one following a 6 day treatment cycle. It feels good to know I have two weeks to regain some strength, build back up and face round 3 with vengeance. This weekend was pretty low key as I was really tired from treatment all week.

One of the biggest challenges for me has been adjusting my expectations of what I can do in one 24 hour period. If you knew me before, I was always on the run. Thinking, dreaming, planning adventures to be had in Portland, the PacNW or visiting friends in other parts of the country. I would think nothing of working a 10+ hour day and going to a concert that night only to work the next morning. Now this is not to boast in anyway, it is only meant to highlight the drastic difference in my current situation.

Jason and my mom after the cut

Friday the highlight was my mom cut her hair!! It is so beautiful and I cant wait to see how she will style it. She wanted to cut it short because I lost my hair, which was entirely too sweet of her. We found a cute look and my hairstylist turned her into one hot moma! Love love love her hair cut!!!

On Saturday I had treatment. Only about 1.5-2 hours. Received more steroids and more fluids to continue to flush my kidneys of toxic Cisplatin and to receive a shot to encourage immature white blood cells to exit large healthy bones to build back up my immune system. I could tell I was tired because normally I tool around on my iPad or read and all I wanted to do was lay there. After chemo we ran an errand or two and I knew I was wiped. We came home and it was all I could do to get off the couch. My mom went on a date with two of my professors from college (Julie and Jeanette) who took her out for dessert and tea for the afternoon. So lovely and sweet of them.  The rest of my evening was spent either in my bed or on the couch.

On Sunday my mom and I had arranged to take a walking tour of Portland. She had mentioned at some time while she was here that she thought it would be interesting to learn more about Portland. So we took a 2 hour guided tour of the city and walked about 2 miles. It was really informative and cool to learn some of those things with my mom. I was tuckered out after the tour so we came back home. I had church class that afternoon and again had to come home following it.

Managing fatigue is very new for me. I am not used to slowing down, at all. I am getting better at listening to my body, but it is still hard to slow down. This morning before I got out of bed I had some quiet time and allowed myself to just "be still" and completely shut down my overactive mind. It was a challenge, but was really rewarding once I was able to do it.

Portland Walking Tour with my mom

Weekend #3

This weekend I got to spend with part of my family. I say part because my dad is holding down the fort in Montana and was really missed this weekend. I would have preferred not to have had my incision reopened heading into the weekend, but thats how it goes I guess. Here is my weekend, mostly in pictures.

Saturday:
Burk had a climbing competition at Oregon State University so most of our day was spent watching him climb and hanging out with James, Lydia and my mom. It was really cool to watch my brother climb and he did fairly well in the competition. We all took naps at some point in the afternoon and had a chill evening, mostly being entertained by my nephew.

Sunday:
Went to church with Lydia and Burk and then headed back to Portland. It was so good to spend time with family and just have a relaxing weekend. I am taking a class at church for the next 9 weeks called God & Women: Theology of women and the church. I am really excited because it is taught by a woman I really respect and who is a phenomenal leader in our church. After the class my mom and I headed out to deal with my hair situation. More on that later.

Tomorrow starts the second cycle of chemo. I am not looking forward to it to say the least. Tomorrow my oncologist will check out the progress of chemo vs cancer by measuring a tumor marker in my blood. He will also look at my incision and hopefully (fingers crossed) will stitch it back up. And there will be no infection (double fingers crossed). And lastly, I get to start round number two of chemo. Lucky me!

Overall, this past week went well. I feel like I was able to gain some strength and started to eat normally again. I am praying we have the nausea figured out with the new drug. Also praying I will be able to eat all week and avoid dropping any more pounds.

Weekend #2 recap

This past weekend was quite a bit better than the weekend before. Its amazing how much better you feel when you have less toxins being pumped into your body :) Thursday Portland got slammed with snow and it basically shut down. So this weekend was full of creative adventures that could happen within the four walls of my house or in the near streets of the city. Here is a look at the adventures that were had!

Friday!
Snow really came down on Friday and most of the city was closed. My friend Jenn and I went on an adventure to find frozen yogurt in a city that was shut down. We hit the jack-pot! After our adventures in the snow, we came back and played several games of Ticket to Ride! When we needed just one adventure more, we walked to New Seasons grocery store and walked down every aisle of the store and made several videos. Why? Well, I cant say I have ever walked down every aisle of a grocery store... and now I can :) Plus we were slightly bored.

Saturday
Enjoyed a slow morning. I spent the morning playing with some of the makeup I bought after our make-over and got somewhat close to recreating "the look". Jenn, my mom and I went to lunch at a Mexican place I used to frequent in college. It was so windy and so cold! The picture of us below is testament; I could not even keep my eyes open! We then went to the Book Thief at Kennedy School; an old school house turned into restaurant, spa, hotel and movie theatre. The movie was phenomenal!!! I added the book to my reading list. We fought the wintery conditions home and hung out until my friend Josh Lider joined us for the evening. We all hunkered down and watched the Olympics and hung out until it was time for bed. For the first night since starting chemo, I slept through the night!!!!! Ah it is so amazing to feel rested when I wake up.

Snow Storm 2014

Sunday 
Freezing rain Saturday night completely changed the game of navigating the roads. Until then, all it took was a little skill to get place to place. After the rain and ice, it was nearly impossible to go anywhere. Portland actually issued an alert to not travel unless completely necessary. Tony and I walked to New Seasons to pick up supplies to make a crock-pot dish for dinner and then walked to Tasty & Sons for brunch. Food continues to go well at these stages, which is a complete blessing because I need to build back up before next week. I walked over to Jenn's house to hang out and watch a movie for the afternoon. It was nice to get out of the house a little, even if steps had to be 6inches in length to avoid falling on ones butt! Evening included more Olympics :)

Weekend Recap

My moma

Saturday!!

Saturday was an easy day at chemo. I came in around 8:15 am for my steroids, fluids and an injection that is designed to pull immature white blood cells out of my bones to prep me for the next couple of weeks of building back up. With this, comes the side effect of possible bone pain (major bones of the body: pelvis, femur, tibia, arms). They gave me some anti-histamine to help with this pain, but I am trying to do my own just to be active and get my joints ranging.

My oldest life friend Kristen came down on Friday night for the duration of the weekend and attended chemo with me and my mom. We played a game of Sorry, with my mom killing us in the game. Helps the time pass when you getting fluids. Plus it was fun :) Kristen and I sneaked away and got pedicures which was good for the soul. We got some girl time and it was just good to spend time relaxing.

When we were all finished, my sister-in-law and nephew drove up to Portland. We spent the morning playing with him and then when he took a nap, Kristen, Lyds and I got to go to Vivace to get coffee and and a crape. It felt good to finally get some solid food in my belly :) Plus more girl time! We came back and took James to a park (walked about 1.5 mile from my house round-trip). He had so much fun climbing and swinging and sliding. I loved his sweet smile and just plane joyful attitude. I crashed pretty hard after dinner after a long day.

Sunday!!

Super Bowl Sunday! I feel like I have been waiting my lifetime to see the SeaHawks have a somewhat successful season and that day was finally upon us :) Kristen helped decorate my house to be consistent with 12th Man gear and some small decor to show our spirit. Energy wise, it has been hard to know when I am going to be feeling good and when I am going to have a low point. They seem to come and go, some times predictably and others not so much physically, but mental fatigue.

Friends from work joined over for the game and it was perfect. As predicted, Sunday was a low energy day, but it felt so good to have friends and my family close to me to cheer on the Hawks. There was no pressure to host or entertain and I could not have been more thankful for that. I am continually blessed by this community that has built around me in such a short time.

Went to bed happy last night that my team played well and that I made it through my first week of full chemo. I am so grateful for the prayers and support I am receiving from all angles.

SeaHawks Win!!!