Beauty

This afternoon I was walking through Barns & Noble to waste some time before meeting for dinner when someone touched my arm. I turned to look at who was on the other end of the semi-affectionate grasp and to my surprise I did not know the women. She said, "sorry to bother you, but I watched you walk in and I just have to tell you that you are beautiful and this look really works for you". I must have had the most dumbfounded look on my face because she quickly followed up with, "I am doing my best to acknowledge beauty when I see it. In a world where it is so difficult to be a woman, I think we need small reminders". She went on to tell me three years ago she went through chemotherapy for a rare blood cancer. She opened up to me in a way that was profound, intimate and altogether authentically raw. In the span of ten minutes I was moved to tears and touched so deeply by a complete stranger. 

It was a perfect reminder of how quick we are to be harsh on our outward appearance. We judge to quickly. It is impossible to know the battle a stranger is fighting and sometimes it only takes a smile to reassure someone from across the room. 

I am also reminded of how sweet honesty is. This woman was wise beyond her years and she will change lives if she continues to tell her story. It is my hope that I can be that to someone when they need it most. All it took was some courage to approach a stranger and speak honest truth. 

Did I mention she was 19 years old? 

What's your perspective on beauty and how will her story change your outward expression of it?

Freedom to live

As I enter this stage of freedom from my disease, it is so real to me that more and more people every day are being diagnosed. My heart breaks for those who receive the awful news that the pain they have been experiencing is cancer. Especially a diagnosis of ovarian cancer... "the silent killer". I am becoming more aware of how fortunate I am for surviving such a horrible disease, when many people arent so lucky. Having gone through this, I stumble across other people's stories fairly frequently; some of them end abruptly. No entries or updates past a particularly trying day. And I am left only to assume.

 

And though I am grateful for this phase of my life to be behind me, daily I am reminded of the assault on my body as random side-effects come and go. With every step I take, I am acutely aware of how strong the poison of chemotherapy was with the growing numbness in my feet. Each time I look in the mirror, my tired eyes tell the story of the battle. And yet, as more days pass from my last treatment of chemotherapy, the more freedom I feel. Freedom from disease, but also freedom from anxieties and fears I had before. 

I am forever changed. I have new scars that have stamped their unique design across my skin. It is known that scar tissue is stronger than the skin it replaced. Often, it is painful as scar tissue lays down. Breaking through scar tissue can also be painful. But some of the best healing takes place after the scar has been broken free. 

Some of the healing is slow. Physical healing takes time (I am reminded of this daily). For me, the emotional healing is just beginning. I am processing through emotions I had during chemo and in the days following. I feel blessed to have the support of my friends and family, but have decided to seek additional support in processing the past few months. I started seeing a counselor and hope to continue breaking free of past fears and anxieties with her guidance. More on that to come, I am sure. 

For now, I sit on my deck with the sun setting behind me, birds chirping in the distance and the sound of laughter coming from my neighbor's house. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to keep living. Each morning there is a nod to God for allowing me to keep breathing. A thankful heart as I go about my day. Just as those scars remind me of the battle, my continued breathing reminds me of life. Joyous, utterly delightful life. And for that I am filled with gratitude. 

Portland International Rose Garden