Hope

There is hope. Always. Even in the darkest of times...

2014 was quite the year for me. Most of you know the story; the chapter that was written from Christmas day 2013 until November 20th 2014. I am aware it is arbitrary to put dates on such a chapter, but for now, those seem most appropriate. The change in me over those 11 months cannot be quantified. In fact, it would be accurate to say that right now, I am closer to the person I have always wanted to be, than ever before. And for that, I am truly thankful.

While in Montana over the Christmas holiday, I got a tattoo that I felt represented this past year and the chapter in my life it is meant to represent. It is one single word. Hope. Nothing fancy, no mysterious message for people to surmise its meaning. The "p" is in the shape of a teal cancer ribbon- nodding respect to ovarian cancer. It is located halfway up my forearm in an elegant font that represents the beautiful journey that ultimately saved my life. It is simple. Designed to stand alone. It in no way represents all of me, but daily reminds me that my life is meant for so much more than I ever imagined it could be.

Last year, January was full of fear. Fear of the unknown. And this year, for me, January represents hope for the future. God is faithful and never once did I consider my own mortality. Never asked the question of "why me?". Never once considered my life to be hanging in the balances. And this is not because I am superwoman or have some sort of perfect perspective on life, but truly because I believe in a God that is much bigger than death. And I put hope in a future that boasts of blessing rather than the "junk" this world offers. 

A year later, I am starting to pick up the pieces of my life that was discarded over the past year. Some of those things are not worth revisiting. Others deserve thought and contemplation, but still remain to be discarded. It is amazing how being stripped of all things, can bring spotlight to the things that matter most. I am thankful for many things, believe me, the list is long. But truly, I am most thankful for a renewed hope in what this life can be...

Freedom to live

As I enter this stage of freedom from my disease, it is so real to me that more and more people every day are being diagnosed. My heart breaks for those who receive the awful news that the pain they have been experiencing is cancer. Especially a diagnosis of ovarian cancer... "the silent killer". I am becoming more aware of how fortunate I am for surviving such a horrible disease, when many people arent so lucky. Having gone through this, I stumble across other people's stories fairly frequently; some of them end abruptly. No entries or updates past a particularly trying day. And I am left only to assume.

 

And though I am grateful for this phase of my life to be behind me, daily I am reminded of the assault on my body as random side-effects come and go. With every step I take, I am acutely aware of how strong the poison of chemotherapy was with the growing numbness in my feet. Each time I look in the mirror, my tired eyes tell the story of the battle. And yet, as more days pass from my last treatment of chemotherapy, the more freedom I feel. Freedom from disease, but also freedom from anxieties and fears I had before. 

I am forever changed. I have new scars that have stamped their unique design across my skin. It is known that scar tissue is stronger than the skin it replaced. Often, it is painful as scar tissue lays down. Breaking through scar tissue can also be painful. But some of the best healing takes place after the scar has been broken free. 

Some of the healing is slow. Physical healing takes time (I am reminded of this daily). For me, the emotional healing is just beginning. I am processing through emotions I had during chemo and in the days following. I feel blessed to have the support of my friends and family, but have decided to seek additional support in processing the past few months. I started seeing a counselor and hope to continue breaking free of past fears and anxieties with her guidance. More on that to come, I am sure. 

For now, I sit on my deck with the sun setting behind me, birds chirping in the distance and the sound of laughter coming from my neighbor's house. I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to keep living. Each morning there is a nod to God for allowing me to keep breathing. A thankful heart as I go about my day. Just as those scars remind me of the battle, my continued breathing reminds me of life. Joyous, utterly delightful life. And for that I am filled with gratitude. 

Portland International Rose Garden 

Part III: Walk with me...

Going through the chemotherapy treatments provided me with more downtime than I have ever experienced in my life. Prior to cancer, I was always running full speed ahead. In fact, I thrive in that environment. I find peace when I can control certain aspects of my life. I usually plan my schedule so that I can maximize my time; whether it be a weekend day or the hours between getting off work and my head hitting the pillow.

This past January I was able to take a hard look at my life. What were my priorities?  How was I allotting my time to be spent? If I had an extra few hours unplanned in my day, what did I decide to fill it with?

It seems all my life, my time with my God has been a bit like a river. There are eb and flow moments where the rhythm feels natural.  And then there are moments where I feel like the river is rushing so fast I am barely keeping up. Other times I feel like the water is dried up or I am suck in an eddie with lackluster purpose. Shifting between these phases usually has more to do with my schedule and priorities. When less of me is demanded, I find it easier to devote that time to God. When more is demanded of me, it falls by the wayside. Never entirely, but enough to feel noticeable.

This is what I know to be true. The times in my life where I have felt the call, "walk with me" and obeyed, are among the most rich.

This past winter I was at this crossroads where I felt like God was calling me to walk with Him. No excuses. Simply asking me to put my faith in Him and trust that He had the entire situation in control. Talk about humbling and terrifying at the same time. I felt the pull to know who God is, understand his character more. The passage I have studied that reveals God's character (straight from his own mouth) is in Exodus 34:6-7. God is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, loving and forgiving and just. This is what I needed to know. Who is my God? What defines his character? How does knowing his character influence my own character?

And so I walked with my God. Dug in and learned more about my character. Learned more about what it meant to be me; my truest self. And God was faithful; he walked with me through it all.

Part II: Silence
Part I: Pull Over

"Crossroads"... my house in Portland

Part II: Silence

What does one do when time stands still? The silence of the moment is deafening. The high pitched ringing in my ears was so real. Everything around me in that moment had stopped. Life hanging in the balance. And with every move made, an accompanying fear of shifting the balance in the wrong direction.

"Walk with me". A sweet command echoed in the silence.

As the days went by and tests were completed and the diagnosis had been made, I was forced to stop and listen. I remember one day specifically, looking into the mirror right after I shaved my head and knowing I was going to be alright, but it was going to take some time.

Time. It's a funny thing. You come to believe time is yours to own; to do with it as you wish. But in reality, the clock is ticking on everyone. Time is but a gift we have been given and what we choose to do with it determines a lot of things. In the mirror, in that moment, I did not want this process to take time. I wanted a quick fix so that I could return to my life. But looking in the mirror, with my hair falling out and my eyes sinking, I knew I needed to listen.

"Walk with me. Trust in me"

I dont want to walk with you! I dont want to walk at all. What I want is my life to be exactly how it used to be. Trusting is not really my strong suit, especially putting all my trust in something I cant see or touch. But in the silence, I hear it loud and clear:

"The road will be here when we are ready to get back on it. But for now, we are going to stay right here and work some things out. Things are going to be different for a while and you're going to learn to trust me. To learn on me, and at times, allowing me to do the walking for you. I need you to be still and listen. I need you to embrace the silence that is all around us. I need you to trust me."

Silence was unheard of in my life. Always some noise in the background. Now I was realizing the background noise was distracting me from hearing God's voice. He was commanding me to be still and listen. Embrace the silence and walk with him.

If you missed it- Part I: Pull Over

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still ~Exodus 14:14

Montana

Part I: Pull Over

I have been asked a lot lately, "what perspective did you gain from going through all of this?" and though it is an appropriate question for inquiring minds, it is not a 5 minute or even 20 minute answer. For those of you who have been following me throughout the journey, you've heard me talk about some of the many facets to this question. Likely in bits and pieces at coffee shops, my living room couch or over a meal. My goal in the next couple of weeks is to write out what I have been learning about humanity. Spell out some of what God is doing in my life. To identify, in a coherent manner, what aspects of going through the circus to beat this terrible disease can be seen as good; the ultimate sanctifying good. When a person goes through a life/death situation, there is a inevitable pull to be introspective at times. Which is good. At least it can be good. And in this case I truly believe it was good.

What do bad things happen to good people? Age old question I assume. Ironically it wasnt really a question I asked through this whole process. And I think that has everything to do with my world view.

I have been likening my experience to an analogy of driving down a road. The road, in this case, is life. The car would be the space in which I exist on the road (life). If we are going to be honest, the last twenty eight years of my life have been fairly blessed. By situations, circumstances, people (friends, family, the like), career and anything else you want to throw in there. Every curveball or challenge that has been thrown my way, I have sought to be a better person, a more empathetic adult and hopefully contribute to society in a more productive manner. Each situation seemingly preparing me for the next. The road has been relatively uncomplicated; with anticipated mountains and valleys, bends and curves.

There I was, driving my car down the road of life when a warning sign came on in my car causing me to pull over. There I sat, waiting for the next move. Get back on the road continuing as things were? But my car was at a dead stop. And that's when I felt an encouraging voice say "Dont be afraid. We are going to hang out here for a while, you and me. It's been a while since I have had your full attention. Dont worry, this is not a forever thing- soon enough you will be back on that road again". The tone of voice was gentle.  As if saying, "we have some catching up to do".

My immediate thoughts were, "I dont have time for this. I am really busy. It is Christmas and my family is here. I have to work several times between now and the new year. People are counting on me... Did I mention, I really dont have time for this"

And thats where the story begins. Me and my God sitting in the front seat of my car, watching other cars pass by as if nothing was out of the ordinary. It soon became apparent there had been many attempts to get my attention. And though this was drastic, it soon become obvious it was both temporary and necessary.

Good News!

This week has been going well so far. I started the week off really strong. I made it through 3 treatments before feeling side effects. Huge answer to prayer. Today was my first difficult day this week. I started feeling nauseous last night and this morning. They added some anti-nausea drugs to my treatment today which has helped. I slept about 3 hours last night, so today I have just been exhausted.

Even in the midst of all the crap, I am still so thankful to serve a sovereign God who is faithful. Today I received good news and it is enough to sustain me for the rest of the week and well into the next phase of this treatment. The AFP tumor marker came back at a reading that was 2/3 less than starting chemo 3 weeks ago. This tumor marker is the most sensitive to knowing how effective the chemo is and I was shocked how low my number was today. It is still high and there is still obvious concern regarding getting it down well below 500 ng/mL. Right now I am sitting at 2300 ng/mL and was at 6800 ng/mL three weeks ago. Praise God.

In other news, I went out and about yesterday for the first time since shaving my head. Jenn and I went shopping after chemo yesterday and I even took my hat off a few times in REI to try on other hats. This was a huge step for me because I realized I just need to be myself. I am finding a new definition of beauty and though that is extremely difficult, it is necessary for growth and re-entry into society post-cancer.

Tonight's plan is to get rest so that I can face the last two days of chemo this week. I know I can do this and really kick this cancer's ass. Today's good news is just the fuel I needed to keep going.

Day 5 of chemo

A little fun today

Woohoo! Made it through the first week without any horrible adverse effects. I will have to say my nursing staff and doctor were all over getting me the correct medications to work with the copious amounts of chemo that have been infusing all week. I am overwhelmed how faithful they have been to getting nausea under control.

Today I was fortunate to have two coworker join me for the chemo session. Shayne and Sarah were awesome and really helped me to feel back in the loop. It really makes the sessions more entertaining AND helps me keep on track of emptying my bladder. Side note, because the cisplatin is so harsh on my kidneys, they infuse several liters of a saline mix of eletrolights. AND it is important to get those fluids out. Praise God my blood came back today, noting my kidney function was good and I was okay to receive my dose of cisplatin. :)


After chemo I was pretty tired so took a little 3 hour nap :) I have been walking after chemo sessions all week, so that was unusual that I was so tired. But I am on this new thing where I actually listen to my body. So, cheers to new habits.

My friend Kristen drove down from Seattle and was here by the time I awoke from my nap. We met up with some girls playing cards at a coffee shop near by, which was a perfect night-cap; out of my house and a chance to "feel normal".

Again, I was so blessed by the giving nature of people when I arrived home. My mom's friend Marie made me some chemo hats and of course my favorite, a Seahawks bracelet. Thank you for you generosity in the little things. Not one thing goes unnoticed. I am severely behind in my thank you notes, but know I will get caught up this weekend (after my Hawks win the Super Bowl).

Thank you all for your love and support and prayers this week. I truly believe this week was tolerable because of the thousands of prayers that were lifted this week. I am humbled by your willingness to participate in the journey with me.

The girls 

Day 2... nausea

Today was okay. I had a rough night last night. The steroid injection I got yesterday has a side effect of of wakefulness at night. So I was awake from 2am to 7am. And when I woke up, I was accompanied by a little known friend, nausea. I tried taking a sip of water, which only made it worse.  I have had a horrible taste in my mouth that is very metallic, which makes eating or really drinking anything rather difficult. The nurse mentioned being very proficient with oral care; so I got a tung scraper today and toothpaste and mouth wash that are higher in something.... Anyways, seemed to help a little.

Today I was so sleep deprived from the antics of the night before, I slept through most of my treatment. I was able to eat some soup at lunch time, so praying that continues to be something I can get down. My friend Shayne had gotten these fried plantains for me from TJ's and I ate them like candy on Monday and today the smell of them made me want to vomit. So, I guess thats how this is going to go.

So far, I have been passing my time reading the book of Acts. A book in the Bible I have never read (or at least not in its entirety). Its been really cool to read about how the church went from just a mere 12 people to thousands and thousands. I have been seeing small miracles happening all around me since this all began. Trying to keep strong in my faith and prayer for peace and understanding. And sleep :)

I thought since today was kinda low, I would make a list of those miracles I have seen so far:

• That my cancer is curable
• That my cancer was found quickly before it had a chance to ravish my body
• That they did not have to take my ovaries during the tumor resection
• That I easily have the most amazing friends and family keeping tabs on me
• My mom for being here during this week
• My coworkers who have stepped up with meals and fun goodies to brighten my spirits
• That I have an environment at home that promotes a healing environment
• That so far, chemo is not as horrible as I built it up to be
• That I have a lovely caring nurse that seeks every opportunity to answer questions and keep my body at ease during this transition

Those are just a few that I have been privy to whiteness since this all began. Here is a picture from today. Tomorrow is going to be Seahawks gear including this really awesome amazing blanket I received from Camille's moma Maria.