Hope

There is hope. Always. Even in the darkest of times...

2014 was quite the year for me. Most of you know the story; the chapter that was written from Christmas day 2013 until November 20th 2014. I am aware it is arbitrary to put dates on such a chapter, but for now, those seem most appropriate. The change in me over those 11 months cannot be quantified. In fact, it would be accurate to say that right now, I am closer to the person I have always wanted to be, than ever before. And for that, I am truly thankful.

While in Montana over the Christmas holiday, I got a tattoo that I felt represented this past year and the chapter in my life it is meant to represent. It is one single word. Hope. Nothing fancy, no mysterious message for people to surmise its meaning. The "p" is in the shape of a teal cancer ribbon- nodding respect to ovarian cancer. It is located halfway up my forearm in an elegant font that represents the beautiful journey that ultimately saved my life. It is simple. Designed to stand alone. It in no way represents all of me, but daily reminds me that my life is meant for so much more than I ever imagined it could be.

Last year, January was full of fear. Fear of the unknown. And this year, for me, January represents hope for the future. God is faithful and never once did I consider my own mortality. Never asked the question of "why me?". Never once considered my life to be hanging in the balances. And this is not because I am superwoman or have some sort of perfect perspective on life, but truly because I believe in a God that is much bigger than death. And I put hope in a future that boasts of blessing rather than the "junk" this world offers. 

A year later, I am starting to pick up the pieces of my life that was discarded over the past year. Some of those things are not worth revisiting. Others deserve thought and contemplation, but still remain to be discarded. It is amazing how being stripped of all things, can bring spotlight to the things that matter most. I am thankful for many things, believe me, the list is long. But truly, I am most thankful for a renewed hope in what this life can be...

Happy Moma's day

Happy Mother's Day!!!

The cool thing about being home right now is I get to celebrate Mother's Day with my moma! Its the first time in a long time that I have been home and after the last few months, it is especially sweet to spend this day with her.

If you know my mom, you most likely think of a few things. Maybe her red hair or her blue mascara. Maybe her beautiful green eyes that she passed onto me; just a shade darker. Maybe it is her strength, her tenacity for fighting injustice, her selflessness, her love for people (especially her family), her smile. Really, there are so many things I think of when I think about my mom.

When going through chemo treatments, one of the really cool things for me was receiving cards in the mail. I was blessed to receive cards from many people throughout treatment, all of which have been saved in a special box. One of the common themes throughout the cards was one of strength and perseverance (naturally, right?). Throughout the 12 weeks, I received several cards from people I did not know personally and often they would start of saying something like, "If you are anything like your mom, you are a strong woman…" "I am always so impressed with your mom's strength and I am sure she has passed that quality to you…" and so on. I keep saying it was really cool, but it was incredible to hear people talk about my mom's strength.

My mom has been through a lot these last 4 months. I personally am not a mom so I do not understand what it could be like to hear a diagnosis of cancer issued to your child. We often think of "cancer" as a death sentence and I cannot imagine the fear of just that when the words were first whispered in that hospital room. I remember the tears of those early days well. The emotions of fear and uncertainty. The "unknown" that sat like a dark unwanted cloud around our family. But there was my mom, being strong for all of us.

Family is incredibly important to me and I am so blessed to have an amazing family. I have many friends my age that have lost their mothers' too soon and so on this special day, I will hug my moma extra tight. I am lucky to have this time to spend in Montana and already looking forward to a few weeks when we will all be in Oregon to celebrate my nephew's 2nd birthday :)

For all the momas out there, I hope you get to spend some time with your kids today!

One of my other favorite moms :)

Building back up

The way my chemo schedule works is the first week of each cycle is is 6 days in a row of 4-5 hours of infusions. The second two weeks I just have chemo one day each week. Those weeks are designed to give your body a break from the constant infusions and build up your immune system again.  Today was my day.

I woke up today in more pain than days previous. My incision has been bothering me and feels like it is laying down more scar tissue. I had some PT friends work on it early after my surgery, but it is apparent my body is not done laying down scar. Its a good thing I am a PT and know these things because my surgeon, nor any other health care professional mentioned the fact that if I didnt work on this aspect, my abdomen would be bound down and scarred up and I am only 29. Consider that my PSA :)

This week is the last week of my first cycle. In some ways, I cant believe it is finished and in others I cant believe I have still have at least two full cycles to go. I have been focusing on trying to build my body back up before going through the full week of chemo again. I went to the gym yesterday for the first time since diagnosis. It was short, but felt good on my lungs to breathe hard again. I am going to try and do more strength training too, especially my legs.

Its an interesting thing. Working so hard to feel good only to feel real shitty next week. I feel like I have almost gotten back to normal with so many things. Today when they accessed my port the sting of the needle piercing my skin took my breath away. How quickly our memory forgets pain only to experience it again.

Hope you are all having a good week. I continue to be blessed by all of your kindness in the form of words of encouragement, gifts and time spent with me. Thank you all so very much!