Hope

There is hope. Always. Even in the darkest of times...

2014 was quite the year for me. Most of you know the story; the chapter that was written from Christmas day 2013 until November 20th 2014. I am aware it is arbitrary to put dates on such a chapter, but for now, those seem most appropriate. The change in me over those 11 months cannot be quantified. In fact, it would be accurate to say that right now, I am closer to the person I have always wanted to be, than ever before. And for that, I am truly thankful.

While in Montana over the Christmas holiday, I got a tattoo that I felt represented this past year and the chapter in my life it is meant to represent. It is one single word. Hope. Nothing fancy, no mysterious message for people to surmise its meaning. The "p" is in the shape of a teal cancer ribbon- nodding respect to ovarian cancer. It is located halfway up my forearm in an elegant font that represents the beautiful journey that ultimately saved my life. It is simple. Designed to stand alone. It in no way represents all of me, but daily reminds me that my life is meant for so much more than I ever imagined it could be.

Last year, January was full of fear. Fear of the unknown. And this year, for me, January represents hope for the future. God is faithful and never once did I consider my own mortality. Never asked the question of "why me?". Never once considered my life to be hanging in the balances. And this is not because I am superwoman or have some sort of perfect perspective on life, but truly because I believe in a God that is much bigger than death. And I put hope in a future that boasts of blessing rather than the "junk" this world offers. 

A year later, I am starting to pick up the pieces of my life that was discarded over the past year. Some of those things are not worth revisiting. Others deserve thought and contemplation, but still remain to be discarded. It is amazing how being stripped of all things, can bring spotlight to the things that matter most. I am thankful for many things, believe me, the list is long. But truly, I am most thankful for a renewed hope in what this life can be...

Unwavering support

Flowers from yesterday

Yesterday we had a gathering for people to come by and say hello and visit while I am home. It was a brilliant idea (by my mom of course) because it allowed me to thank so many of the people who have supported me through my journey. I truly was impressed by the unwavering support these individuals have shown me over the past 4 months (and beyond as most of them have known me since I was a boisterous teenager). If you were able to attend yesterday, thank you! Thank you for your support, your prayers and your interest in my life. I am humbled by how many people have supported me and my family during this time; yesterday was no exception.

There is something special about being from a small community. I think of this often as I reminisce with friends about our high school days. I laugh at the crazy antics we got ourselves into (and out of) and truly feel like I had the best community in which to grow-up. I remember many summer nights laying in the backyard looking up at the stars and realizing just how lucky I was to have my best friends as my adventure buddies. I feel fortunate that even to this day some of my best friends are ones I made in high school (nearly 11 years ago :S)

This community takes care of its own. I remember when I first got sick my intuition was to keep everything very private. I didn't want anyone to know I was sick because I didn't want them to feel sorry for me. Through a lot of encouragement from my mom, I finally let people in on my journey. And I could not have dreamed the support I received.

This community raises one another's children. In the best sort of way. It was like our parents knew we were safe just by the people we were with, or rather, the hundreds of other eyes that were watching our every move :) By playing sports in this town, you became known by many. And with that, expectations were put upon you. It wasn't long before "little eyes" were also watching our every move.

Its been a blessing to be home and get a chance to thank people in person for their support. I know I am just one story among many for this community to rally behind. Thank you all for everything. From prayers, to cards, to gifts, to support for my family, etc. Every gesture has been appreciated and nothing goes unnoticed.  Thank you!

High School friends: Bryce, Katie and Alison

High School Friends: Kristen, Becky, Burk

Memories

I have been thinking a lot about memories lately. At the beginning of the year I decided I would start a new instagram account to document 1 picture per day in the year of 2014. It has occurred to me several times that if there is not a written account of what happened or a picture, the likelihood that I will remember what happened decreases. So far, 2014 has been dominated by cancer and cancer-like things (tests, hospital stays, surgery, chemo, etc). But I truly believe the second half of the year will be filled with new memories. Memories of activities that resemble my "old" life. And that I am very much looking forward to...

Recently I have found myself watching my screensaver on my computer for hours (it cycles through my iPhotos). I love looking at places I have visited, friends I have met in several locations across this country, memories from graduate school and college. There are so many times I find myself laughing at a memory because I completely forgot about it until I saw the image. And I realized something else; I am completely blessed by this life.

I truly have the best family. A family that is 100% available for any need. I have the best friends. Friends from all walks of this life that have passed through, some even staying a while. I have gotten to see much of this vast country because of trips to see these lovely friends. I have seen quite a few other countries; making memories with loved ones in each. I have had opportunities to attend concerts, sporting events, and festivals.

I say all of this as an opportunity for perspective. I know lately my life has completely been dominated by dealing with this medical battle. I also know it wont always be like this. I know there will come a time where I can look back and talk about this part of my story. Remember it, give it the respect it deserves and move on. It is not my identity. At some point in the near future I will be able to say, I am a survivor.

I decided to include some pictures from this last weekend with my friends. It was incredibly special that they took time from their busy lives to come out and visit. I have been so supported through this whole journey by so many. Thank you all!

Dr. Visit

I have officially completed 1 cycle of chemo. Three weeks down, at least 6 to go. I had an appointment with my oncologist yesterday for a check-in to see how things were going. Overall, the past two weeks have been ok. I have maintained my weight, which was a big goal. I was able to be more active and for the most part, was feeling normal again. Until my incision started hurting more than usual and started getting red and tender.

My oncologist (who is also my surgeon) took one look at my incision and decided it needed to be opened for fear of infection. Due to starting a full 6 days of chemo on Monday and my immune system already being compromised, he didn't want to just put me on antibiotics. So he made a small opening next to my incision and drained fluid. The good news was it was not infected, but an accumulation of fluid. So for the next few days I have to pack it with gauze until the fluid is gone. Ugh!

After the appointment we drove down to Lebanon to my brother and sister-in-law's house for the weekend. Burk has a climbing competition today which will be really fun to watch! We got some good family time in yesterday and I am looking forward to today!

James climbing

Puddles!

Thank you for your prayers. I am frustrated about the healing of my surgical site, but realize it's just one more thing and I just have to get through it. Not looking forward to starting a full cycle of chemo again next week, that's for sure.

Making cookies with mom

Weekend #2 recap

This past weekend was quite a bit better than the weekend before. Its amazing how much better you feel when you have less toxins being pumped into your body :) Thursday Portland got slammed with snow and it basically shut down. So this weekend was full of creative adventures that could happen within the four walls of my house or in the near streets of the city. Here is a look at the adventures that were had!

Friday!
Snow really came down on Friday and most of the city was closed. My friend Jenn and I went on an adventure to find frozen yogurt in a city that was shut down. We hit the jack-pot! After our adventures in the snow, we came back and played several games of Ticket to Ride! When we needed just one adventure more, we walked to New Seasons grocery store and walked down every aisle of the store and made several videos. Why? Well, I cant say I have ever walked down every aisle of a grocery store... and now I can :) Plus we were slightly bored.

Saturday
Enjoyed a slow morning. I spent the morning playing with some of the makeup I bought after our make-over and got somewhat close to recreating "the look". Jenn, my mom and I went to lunch at a Mexican place I used to frequent in college. It was so windy and so cold! The picture of us below is testament; I could not even keep my eyes open! We then went to the Book Thief at Kennedy School; an old school house turned into restaurant, spa, hotel and movie theatre. The movie was phenomenal!!! I added the book to my reading list. We fought the wintery conditions home and hung out until my friend Josh Lider joined us for the evening. We all hunkered down and watched the Olympics and hung out until it was time for bed. For the first night since starting chemo, I slept through the night!!!!! Ah it is so amazing to feel rested when I wake up.

Snow Storm 2014

Sunday 
Freezing rain Saturday night completely changed the game of navigating the roads. Until then, all it took was a little skill to get place to place. After the rain and ice, it was nearly impossible to go anywhere. Portland actually issued an alert to not travel unless completely necessary. Tony and I walked to New Seasons to pick up supplies to make a crock-pot dish for dinner and then walked to Tasty & Sons for brunch. Food continues to go well at these stages, which is a complete blessing because I need to build back up before next week. I walked over to Jenn's house to hang out and watch a movie for the afternoon. It was nice to get out of the house a little, even if steps had to be 6inches in length to avoid falling on ones butt! Evening included more Olympics :)

Day 5 of chemo

A little fun today

Woohoo! Made it through the first week without any horrible adverse effects. I will have to say my nursing staff and doctor were all over getting me the correct medications to work with the copious amounts of chemo that have been infusing all week. I am overwhelmed how faithful they have been to getting nausea under control.

Today I was fortunate to have two coworker join me for the chemo session. Shayne and Sarah were awesome and really helped me to feel back in the loop. It really makes the sessions more entertaining AND helps me keep on track of emptying my bladder. Side note, because the cisplatin is so harsh on my kidneys, they infuse several liters of a saline mix of eletrolights. AND it is important to get those fluids out. Praise God my blood came back today, noting my kidney function was good and I was okay to receive my dose of cisplatin. :)


After chemo I was pretty tired so took a little 3 hour nap :) I have been walking after chemo sessions all week, so that was unusual that I was so tired. But I am on this new thing where I actually listen to my body. So, cheers to new habits.

My friend Kristen drove down from Seattle and was here by the time I awoke from my nap. We met up with some girls playing cards at a coffee shop near by, which was a perfect night-cap; out of my house and a chance to "feel normal".

Again, I was so blessed by the giving nature of people when I arrived home. My mom's friend Marie made me some chemo hats and of course my favorite, a Seahawks bracelet. Thank you for you generosity in the little things. Not one thing goes unnoticed. I am severely behind in my thank you notes, but know I will get caught up this weekend (after my Hawks win the Super Bowl).

Thank you all for your love and support and prayers this week. I truly believe this week was tolerable because of the thousands of prayers that were lifted this week. I am humbled by your willingness to participate in the journey with me.

The girls 

Day 2... nausea

Today was okay. I had a rough night last night. The steroid injection I got yesterday has a side effect of of wakefulness at night. So I was awake from 2am to 7am. And when I woke up, I was accompanied by a little known friend, nausea. I tried taking a sip of water, which only made it worse.  I have had a horrible taste in my mouth that is very metallic, which makes eating or really drinking anything rather difficult. The nurse mentioned being very proficient with oral care; so I got a tung scraper today and toothpaste and mouth wash that are higher in something.... Anyways, seemed to help a little.

Today I was so sleep deprived from the antics of the night before, I slept through most of my treatment. I was able to eat some soup at lunch time, so praying that continues to be something I can get down. My friend Shayne had gotten these fried plantains for me from TJ's and I ate them like candy on Monday and today the smell of them made me want to vomit. So, I guess thats how this is going to go.

So far, I have been passing my time reading the book of Acts. A book in the Bible I have never read (or at least not in its entirety). Its been really cool to read about how the church went from just a mere 12 people to thousands and thousands. I have been seeing small miracles happening all around me since this all began. Trying to keep strong in my faith and prayer for peace and understanding. And sleep :)

I thought since today was kinda low, I would make a list of those miracles I have seen so far:

• That my cancer is curable
• That my cancer was found quickly before it had a chance to ravish my body
• That they did not have to take my ovaries during the tumor resection
• That I easily have the most amazing friends and family keeping tabs on me
• My mom for being here during this week
• My coworkers who have stepped up with meals and fun goodies to brighten my spirits
• That I have an environment at home that promotes a healing environment
• That so far, chemo is not as horrible as I built it up to be
• That I have a lovely caring nurse that seeks every opportunity to answer questions and keep my body at ease during this transition

Those are just a few that I have been privy to whiteness since this all began. Here is a picture from today. Tomorrow is going to be Seahawks gear including this really awesome amazing blanket I received from Camille's moma Maria.