Hope

There is hope. Always. Even in the darkest of times...

2014 was quite the year for me. Most of you know the story; the chapter that was written from Christmas day 2013 until November 20th 2014. I am aware it is arbitrary to put dates on such a chapter, but for now, those seem most appropriate. The change in me over those 11 months cannot be quantified. In fact, it would be accurate to say that right now, I am closer to the person I have always wanted to be, than ever before. And for that, I am truly thankful.

While in Montana over the Christmas holiday, I got a tattoo that I felt represented this past year and the chapter in my life it is meant to represent. It is one single word. Hope. Nothing fancy, no mysterious message for people to surmise its meaning. The "p" is in the shape of a teal cancer ribbon- nodding respect to ovarian cancer. It is located halfway up my forearm in an elegant font that represents the beautiful journey that ultimately saved my life. It is simple. Designed to stand alone. It in no way represents all of me, but daily reminds me that my life is meant for so much more than I ever imagined it could be.

Last year, January was full of fear. Fear of the unknown. And this year, for me, January represents hope for the future. God is faithful and never once did I consider my own mortality. Never asked the question of "why me?". Never once considered my life to be hanging in the balances. And this is not because I am superwoman or have some sort of perfect perspective on life, but truly because I believe in a God that is much bigger than death. And I put hope in a future that boasts of blessing rather than the "junk" this world offers. 

A year later, I am starting to pick up the pieces of my life that was discarded over the past year. Some of those things are not worth revisiting. Others deserve thought and contemplation, but still remain to be discarded. It is amazing how being stripped of all things, can bring spotlight to the things that matter most. I am thankful for many things, believe me, the list is long. But truly, I am most thankful for a renewed hope in what this life can be...

Memories

I have been thinking a lot about memories lately. At the beginning of the year I decided I would start a new instagram account to document 1 picture per day in the year of 2014. It has occurred to me several times that if there is not a written account of what happened or a picture, the likelihood that I will remember what happened decreases. So far, 2014 has been dominated by cancer and cancer-like things (tests, hospital stays, surgery, chemo, etc). But I truly believe the second half of the year will be filled with new memories. Memories of activities that resemble my "old" life. And that I am very much looking forward to...

Recently I have found myself watching my screensaver on my computer for hours (it cycles through my iPhotos). I love looking at places I have visited, friends I have met in several locations across this country, memories from graduate school and college. There are so many times I find myself laughing at a memory because I completely forgot about it until I saw the image. And I realized something else; I am completely blessed by this life.

I truly have the best family. A family that is 100% available for any need. I have the best friends. Friends from all walks of this life that have passed through, some even staying a while. I have gotten to see much of this vast country because of trips to see these lovely friends. I have seen quite a few other countries; making memories with loved ones in each. I have had opportunities to attend concerts, sporting events, and festivals.

I say all of this as an opportunity for perspective. I know lately my life has completely been dominated by dealing with this medical battle. I also know it wont always be like this. I know there will come a time where I can look back and talk about this part of my story. Remember it, give it the respect it deserves and move on. It is not my identity. At some point in the near future I will be able to say, I am a survivor.

I decided to include some pictures from this last weekend with my friends. It was incredibly special that they took time from their busy lives to come out and visit. I have been so supported through this whole journey by so many. Thank you all!

Long hair gone...

No day but Today

On that first day meeting with my oncologist I asked him what side-effects I would feel as a result of the medication. His first reply, hair loss. My first reaction was... dang, that sucks. I kind of like my hair. And I have never had short hair in my life. Okay this will be a interesting adventure.

The time came on Sunday to shave my hair. They told me it would be about 2-3 weeks after starting chemo that I would start losing my hair. Monday of last week I started losing more than I typically lose in the shower. And then I combed my hair and streams of hair started falling. I have a lot of hair so I thought I could probably make it a few more days until needing to be drastic. I had decided at the very beginning of this journey that as soon as it started falling out, I would be proactive and cut it or shave it.

Towards the end of the week I noticed my hair was falling out rapidly and becoming matted and impossible to get my comb through it. It was time. On Sunday my mom and I went to a barber shop and had a lady shave it off completely. Down to 1/8 of an inch.

That first time I looked at myself in the mirror with stubble here and there, it sank in this is real. I have had several moments throughout this process where it feels like it has been happening to someone else. Especially the days I was feeling better and almost normal. But looking at my own reflection, it was as real as it could be. This is happening to me.

The hardest part about losing my hair is it is truly the first outward impression to the world that I am sick. Until Sunday, I could go anywhere and for the most part, not look any different than your average joe. This is the first big realization that I have cancer and I am sick.

I am doing better emotionally about losing my hair than I thought. So far, my mom is the only one who has seen my bald head. I think it comes back to not wanting people to feel sorry for me when they see me out and about. I just want to feel as normal as possible.

It doenst help that I live in a culture that values beauty above all things. Where makeup and hair style are typically the first thing that people notice when they meet you. Or used to describe you to others. But I guess this is my opportunity to make my own kind of beautiful and start to redefine at least my own cultural expectations. Work to redefine my identity. So cheers to being bald; at least for the near future.