Opportunity to give

Several people have expressed interest in helping me financially through this journey. I have given it a lot of thought and decided the best way to do this would be to create a webpage based opportunity for those who would like to give. The link to the page is:

http://www.gofundme.com/7ssj1w

The reason I had to give this a lot of thought is because I have mixed emotions about accepting help. First and foremost as someone employed in healthcare, I believe it each individual's responsibility to have insurance and have some sort of an emergency fund set up for situations like this. I am blessed to have insurance and I was in the process of building up an emergency fund when this all happened. Medical bills are scary. They pile up before you can blink.

That all being said, I also know some people really feel called to give in a monitory way. Of which is more than I could ever ask. This site was not created to guilt people into giving. That is the last thing I would ever want. I am so thankful for those who have given through time spent with me, words of encouragement through email, text, snail mail. People who have flown out to see me and spend time with me has lifted my spirit in ways I did not know possible. I am thankful for all of those things.

As a chemo/doctor update. I saw my doctor on Friday and it was confirmed, round 4 here we go! He will draw my blood on Monday March 31st (Day 1 of round 4) and assess remaining cancer in my body. If the number is 0, this will be my last round. If it is not, well, I am actually not allowing my mind to go there. My last count was at 127 (down from 68,000). It has to be 0, right?

An update on my lack of sleep. My doctor thinks my body is not able to regulate its temperature and the reason I am waking up is because I am overheating or chilled to the bone. He called it "acute ovarian failure" and quickly stated it was a good thing for this stage of treatment. He has prescribed a low dose of estrogen to combat this issue. Here is to hoping!!!

This is the last full week of "rest" before round 4. I am taking each day as it comes, but this week is significantly better than last week. Again, thank you for all your prayers, thoughts and well wishes. I could never have imagined the support I have received. Thank you all!!

Just for fun, my favorite two pictures of me and my nephew just because he is cute and who does like to see an adorable baby!

Summer 2012

This past fall- September 2013

Memories

I have been thinking a lot about memories lately. At the beginning of the year I decided I would start a new instagram account to document 1 picture per day in the year of 2014. It has occurred to me several times that if there is not a written account of what happened or a picture, the likelihood that I will remember what happened decreases. So far, 2014 has been dominated by cancer and cancer-like things (tests, hospital stays, surgery, chemo, etc). But I truly believe the second half of the year will be filled with new memories. Memories of activities that resemble my "old" life. And that I am very much looking forward to...

Recently I have found myself watching my screensaver on my computer for hours (it cycles through my iPhotos). I love looking at places I have visited, friends I have met in several locations across this country, memories from graduate school and college. There are so many times I find myself laughing at a memory because I completely forgot about it until I saw the image. And I realized something else; I am completely blessed by this life.

I truly have the best family. A family that is 100% available for any need. I have the best friends. Friends from all walks of this life that have passed through, some even staying a while. I have gotten to see much of this vast country because of trips to see these lovely friends. I have seen quite a few other countries; making memories with loved ones in each. I have had opportunities to attend concerts, sporting events, and festivals.

I say all of this as an opportunity for perspective. I know lately my life has completely been dominated by dealing with this medical battle. I also know it wont always be like this. I know there will come a time where I can look back and talk about this part of my story. Remember it, give it the respect it deserves and move on. It is not my identity. At some point in the near future I will be able to say, I am a survivor.

I decided to include some pictures from this last weekend with my friends. It was incredibly special that they took time from their busy lives to come out and visit. I have been so supported through this whole journey by so many. Thank you all!

...been a while

My apologies for the long silence from me in this medium. Today is the first day I have felt well enough to write. Round 3 seems to be taking its toll on me in a way the other rounds were unable to. Whether it is the sheer amount of chemo in my system or if my body is fighting some sort of bug, its been a tough week.

This past weekend, some of my lovely college friends visited. It was fun to see them and have conversations that warmed the soul. I almost felt "normal" for a short period of time. All weekend I was tired, but could not sleep. Had feelings of nausea, but more feeling at any time I would vomit. The feeling of fatigue took a new level when I was unable to sleep more than 30-45 minutes at a time for 5 days in a row. The feelings of being strung out and weak were imminent.

I was able to hang out with friends and take small walks in the neighborhood. We made some memories together and more importantly I was able to have good, heart warming conversations with all of them. Its amazing to see how far we have all come in the last 10 years (gasp! 10 years since my freshman year of college).

The chemo brain continues to consume me into this week. I would love for my words to be elegant, but this is what I am capable in this moment. So, I am being true to that. I have been very loved by the people around me here in Portland and for that I am grateful. I am working on a host of thank you notes; so stay tuned if you recently sent something my way.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow where we should get some sort of plan for the last round of treatment and maybe some new ways to manage the lack of sleep and onset of "vomit" feeling. I will be sure to update you all soon.

As always, thank you for your faithful thoughts and prayers. There is a dim light at the end of the tunnel. I am working to build up strength for that final round this week and next.

friends! 

One more round

Just wanted to give a quick update. I mentioned at the beginning of the week they would determine if I would be done after this cycle or need to complete another one. My AFP tumor marker came back substantially reduced, but high enough to call for another cycle. My doctor was very impressed with the drop (from 2300 to 127), but would like the cancer marker to be 0.

I am bummed I have to do another 3 weeks of this, but thankful the chemo is doing it's job. My oncologist has been very positive with my body's response to the chemo and my tolerance to the regiment. Which is positive. 

My dad and sister were able to join me this week for chemo and this weekend some of my college friends are in town to hang out. Very excited to rest with these awesome people. 

Will post more later, just wanted to update everyone that I will be doing 4 cycles instead of 3. 

Weekend update #5

Here is the long awaited weekend update. I was so fortunate to have Alison come into town to hang out. She and I grew up together in Montana and since have seen each other through al of life's stages. She now lives in NYC with her husband Alex. It was great to spend so much time together, neither of us could remember since we had so much time alone together. It was perfect. Without further ado...

I was able to check more things off my 101 list, which is always fun! She arrived on Wednesday night late. Thursday morning I hung out while Alison worked remotely. We grabbed brunch at Vivace before heading out to the beach.

Driving/riding the 101 is # 49 on my list. So our first stop was Tillamook. We went to the cheese factory of course, and then headed to catch a glimpse of the Cape Meares lighthouse. It was a fun little walk to the lighthouse, which offered really cool views of the cliffs, waterfalls and waves crashing against the rocks.  We then drove to Cannon Beach where we stated the evening at the cutest Inn ever! The Inn at Cannon Beach is very highly recommend by the two of us should you find yourself in the town. We ordered pizza and got lucky because they were closing in 10 minutes. Only in a small town. The rest of the evening we hung out, ate pizza and watched Dallas Buyer's Club. 

Lighthouse, cliffs and our cute little inn/cottage in Cannon Beach

Tillamook Cheese Factory!

We woke up early the next morning and grabbed breakfast from the lobby and went back to our room to watch Silver Linings Playbook. We packed up the room and went to Haystack Rock at Cannon Beach. The tide was out, so we got very lucky and got to see different tide pools and the majority of the side of the rock. Usually the water is well covering the rock, but we were able to walk out quite a ways!

Alison and I at the beach

Alison throwing the bottle! And friends we met along the way :)

Next stop, Seaside. We didnt spend too much time here, but composed our messages for the bottles and walked around the town. It was sunny, which was fun to walk around the city.

Final stop was Astoria. We threw our messages in the bottle into the ocean, which was an adventure! We did not have the right technique and had to rescue our bottles at least 2 times before becoming content with where they landed ($86 on the list).  A few times people appeared near the ocean and we got scared they would turn us in for littering. But we got lucky, so it was meant to be!

Fort Clatsop- Astoria

I had been wanting to see some part of Oregon's history, so we went to Fort Clatsop where Lewis and Clark spent the winter 1805-1806 (#72 on the list). We got to see a replica of the fort and walk around the grounds, see a few boats, etc. It was really cool to see and the whole area of Astoria has a lot of info regarding Lewis & Clark. We had lunch in the most amazing location! An old boat that served fish & chips. So fun!! 

Bowpicker Fish & Chips- Astoria

From there we drove back to Portland and met up with my family. My brother, sister-in-law met my dad, myself and Alison for dinner. They all stayed the night and we were able to catch up a bit. Love spending time with my family and of course, hanging out with the little man.

My nephew James

Saturday I went to my brother's climbing competition and Alison went to visit her friend from college. We then spent the afternoon hanging out, watching movies together. A perfect afternoon/evening! Alison had to leave early Sunday morning which was a bummer! I loved having her in town, but was very sad to see her go. 

I met up with my friend Raynelle for froyo before church class. It was so great to see her and be able to catch up a little. Church class was amazing again! Huge blessing to have this class right now!! I was also able to get out and take a walk after class. Spring has sprung in Portland it was out in full bloom. Included is a picture of my walk. Overall, an amazing weekend!!! Loved hanging out with Alison. And of course checking of 3 items off the list!

This is the Final Count Down...

Today is hopefully my last round of chemo. Walking in today was difficult. After a fantastic weekend of almost feeling normal, it is so hard to walk back in knowing I am going to feel worse by the end of the day. But also with the knowledge that it's temporary and I have climbed back out of the trenches twice already. I can do this!

A few more updates:

• My labs came back and my platelets returned to normal levels. Will proceed with chemo this week
• The AFP tumor marker was taken today and will take 3-4 days to get results back. This is significant because the results will determine if I need another round of chemo 
• My incision is healing and the fluid continues to drain. Hoping to be done packing it in the next week or so
• Sleeping is still one of my biggest hurdles. Still working to find something to help 
• Big push this week with nutrition. I am slightly anemic so need to keep pushing the leafy greens and protein. I got a juicer last weekend, so this week it will be put to work!

My dad is here with me this week after getting to spend the weekend with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. I know my moma is missing being here this week. She is missed at the chemo salon for sure! I will update on my weekend adventures soon, so stay tuned!

Super hero week 

Fears

I am in the thick of the Divergent series (please dont judge, but my little chemo brain cannot handle the other books on my "to read" list) and a common thread throughout the first book is facing your fears. Everyone has fears of a variety of magnitudes. So while reading this book, I kept wondering what my own personal fears are and how do they play out in my life day to day?

My Fears:

• Death; my own personal death or those close to me
• Injury that would prevent me from working and I would have to depend on others
• "the unknown"
• Making a wrong decision that has large implications on my life
• Failure of any magnitude 
• Not saving enough money now for later and having to rely on others
• Snakes, clowns, feet, bugs that bite humans, etc

Fears are so interesting to me. Some of them are completely irrational and I am fully aware of that on a cognitive level, for example: clowns, snakes, feet, etc. But then there are the BIG fears, the kind that start with a capital "F". Those are the fears that "disrupt" life as we know it. I used to think cancer would be atop that list. It still might be. I am unsure.

Stepping up to face a fear is scary. Terrifying really. Not something we volunteer for on a regular basis. Facing fears requires bravery and strength. But if not pushed, why would one face a fear? My biggest fear I am facing right now is death; or at least the idea of death. It exists all around us, sometimes more intimately than others.

The thing is, in this broken world, we were not made to live forever. We are completely 100% affected by our environment, decisions we make socially and things that happen to us. Facing the idea of death is scary because we have our own specific plan for how this life is supposed to go. Death any earlier than 87 seems unnatural.

I was told once that the phrase "do not be afraid" is written 365 times in the Bible. Coincident (or not) that our modern calendar has 365 days in it. A daily reminder to not live in fear. I respect fear wholeheartedly. Fears obviously exist for a reason. But I would argue, at least in my life, when I give fear a little too much respect or space in my thoughts, it becomes disproportionate to the rest of my life. It starts to dominate my thoughts and produces anxiety.

So I am stepping out in saying I am going to give my fears the respect they deserve and evaluate each one. Because each of them produces an emotional response of either a past memory or a conceived situation produced by my brain. Some of them have driven me to do productive things in my life (which I would argue is ultimately good). Others have left me paralyzed thinking of the possibility of them. It would be interesting to me to know what others fear. And if others find they have a mix of rational and irrational fears. Something to ponder....

Rejected...

Today was supposed to be a chemo day where I got Bleomycin. But my platelet counts were too low for the treatment. So now we await my doctor's decision of whether he will post-pone my treatments for 1 week and resume next week or if he will just skip this treatment all together and start next week as planned. Either way, this week was meant to be a rest week and I am okay with that. :)

This weekend was pretty relaxing which was nice. I had several bouts of "not feeling well" which was frustrating. But trying hard to listen to my body more and rest when it is begging me to rest. We caught a Blazers game on Saturday night which was a lot of fun. Sunday was pretty low-key. Ran some errands with Jenn and then went to my church class. Sunday night, some friends joined us for dinner which was really nice.

Tomorrow one of my best friends from home is coming into town for a few days and I am so excited!! Its been forever since we had just-the-two-of-us time, so I am really looking forward to it!

Just wanted to post a quick update on how things are going lately. I have a few more post planned for later this week, so keep checking back. I am truly grateful for all of your support and kind words. Its a battle for sure, but I am trying hard to be on the winning front.