Big week and big weekend

Last week went well! Thank you all for your prayers, text messages and thoughts. I made it through the week. I ended up having over 16 new evaluations in just 26 hours of work, along with some other patients. I was absolutely buried in paperwork, but had a blast being back at work. Everyone was fantastic and so thoughtful that it made being back at work such a natural transition. I am thankful I am doing half days both last week and this week and a little nervous about doing full days next week.

This past weekend my nephew turned 2!! My parents were able to come out to Oregon to celebrate with us, which was a treat after being able to spend so much time in Montana with them. We went down to Burk and Lydia's on Friday and came back on Sunday morning. The trip was too short as always, but it was packed with all around good quality time spent with each other. Lydia's family was able to come down as well, so it was good to catch up with them.

I am still working on the online spinal cord injury course I started roughly a month ago. It has been great to reengage my brain with patient specific information, but a lot harder to finish when I have work demands. Tomorrow I get to go to a symposium on concussion and moderate brain injury, which will also be good to get those wheels spinning again. I have seen a lot of patients this week with concussions, so it will help to solidify knowledge in regards to evidence based treatment for them. I am thankful to work in a university setting where these continuing education opportunities are readily available for us.

I added some of my favorite pictures from the weekend spent with my nephew. He is such a sweet boy with an infectious laugh, kind and loving spirit and the happiest little guy I know. I am thankful for my brother and sister-in-law and their hospitality over the weekend.

First day back

Today was my first day back at work in over 16 weeks. It's crazy to think I had been gone for that long, but when I walked back in today, it seemed like I had just left. I am so thankful for all my coworkers and their kindness, empathy and genuine support shown both during my treatment, and then today as I came back. I could not have asked for a better day.

Going into today, I was feeling pretty anxious. I missed the bus I intended to take, which was not a huge deal because I had allowed plenty of time before my first patient. Most of my anxiety surrounded the unknown. Was I going to answer a lot of questions about how I was feeling, my treatment, etc? Would I have to tell patient's about what I had gone through? Would my wig stay on my head? :) Things of that nature were all crossing my mind as my bus weaved through the city towards work.

Like I said, I couldnt have been more blessed by how the day went. I walked into our charting room to brownies and a welcome back sign. I received countless hugs and well wishes throughout the day from colleagues. So good to see so many smiling faces :) I was able to get back in the grove rather quickly of chart reviewing, documenting and billing- all of which I was nervous I would have forgotten how to do. I started at 8am, had 5 new patients, was able to keep up with paperwork for the most part and ended my day around 1pm.  An all around successful day.

 I truly love my career and love where I am working. It felt great to get back in the routine of work (minus the waking up early part).  It was good to reengage my brain again after a long hiatus. I felt confident in my examinations and treatments and felt like patient interaction went well. Only adverse effect I noticed was throughout the day I battled low blood sugar and needed to snack often.

For the next two weeks the plan is to work half days as I adjust to very different energy demands than I have experienced in the last few months. Today went well, but I am exhausted. Tomorrow is a bit longer of a day and I have lung function tests after work to reevaluate my respiratory system. I am taking it easy (for those who are worried about that) and continue to listen to my body.

Here are some pictures from today!

Value of Rest

Leaving Montana is always so hard. Especially after such a relaxing visit. For the first time the whole trip was unplanned and open to suggestion or the whim of the moment. I really can't remember a time when I was so at peace with just being home. I don't know if I have transitioned my focus to be more family centered or if I am coming to a place where I really value rest. Maybe a blend of the two :)

Rest has always been hard for me. I am usually running around at 100 mph. I like to be productive and know full-well I get external validation from the things I can achieve. I used to see taking a nap as a loss of productive time. I used to pack my days so full

(often planning down to the hour) that there was no such thing as "taking time for myself". Having cancer has really changed all that. 

This morning I am back in Portland and find myself along the river with mostly cloudy skies, but temperatures in the 60s and climbing. This is a perfect Portland day. The south waterfront is quiet; absent of any traffic buzz, only various birds chirping. The water of the giant river flows on by, welcoming summer to it's shores. I love this city and looking forward to spending the summer here. I hope to continue to adapt the pace of life of these past few months to the months going forward. Carving out more time for relaxation and less time for forced productivity. 

cafe in portland

Happy Moma's day

Happy Mother's Day!!!

The cool thing about being home right now is I get to celebrate Mother's Day with my moma! Its the first time in a long time that I have been home and after the last few months, it is especially sweet to spend this day with her.

If you know my mom, you most likely think of a few things. Maybe her red hair or her blue mascara. Maybe her beautiful green eyes that she passed onto me; just a shade darker. Maybe it is her strength, her tenacity for fighting injustice, her selflessness, her love for people (especially her family), her smile. Really, there are so many things I think of when I think about my mom.

When going through chemo treatments, one of the really cool things for me was receiving cards in the mail. I was blessed to receive cards from many people throughout treatment, all of which have been saved in a special box. One of the common themes throughout the cards was one of strength and perseverance (naturally, right?). Throughout the 12 weeks, I received several cards from people I did not know personally and often they would start of saying something like, "If you are anything like your mom, you are a strong woman…" "I am always so impressed with your mom's strength and I am sure she has passed that quality to you…" and so on. I keep saying it was really cool, but it was incredible to hear people talk about my mom's strength.

My mom has been through a lot these last 4 months. I personally am not a mom so I do not understand what it could be like to hear a diagnosis of cancer issued to your child. We often think of "cancer" as a death sentence and I cannot imagine the fear of just that when the words were first whispered in that hospital room. I remember the tears of those early days well. The emotions of fear and uncertainty. The "unknown" that sat like a dark unwanted cloud around our family. But there was my mom, being strong for all of us.

Family is incredibly important to me and I am so blessed to have an amazing family. I have many friends my age that have lost their mothers' too soon and so on this special day, I will hug my moma extra tight. I am lucky to have this time to spend in Montana and already looking forward to a few weeks when we will all be in Oregon to celebrate my nephew's 2nd birthday :)

For all the momas out there, I hope you get to spend some time with your kids today!

One of my other favorite moms :)

Unwavering support

Flowers from yesterday

Yesterday we had a gathering for people to come by and say hello and visit while I am home. It was a brilliant idea (by my mom of course) because it allowed me to thank so many of the people who have supported me through my journey. I truly was impressed by the unwavering support these individuals have shown me over the past 4 months (and beyond as most of them have known me since I was a boisterous teenager). If you were able to attend yesterday, thank you! Thank you for your support, your prayers and your interest in my life. I am humbled by how many people have supported me and my family during this time; yesterday was no exception.

There is something special about being from a small community. I think of this often as I reminisce with friends about our high school days. I laugh at the crazy antics we got ourselves into (and out of) and truly feel like I had the best community in which to grow-up. I remember many summer nights laying in the backyard looking up at the stars and realizing just how lucky I was to have my best friends as my adventure buddies. I feel fortunate that even to this day some of my best friends are ones I made in high school (nearly 11 years ago :S)

This community takes care of its own. I remember when I first got sick my intuition was to keep everything very private. I didn't want anyone to know I was sick because I didn't want them to feel sorry for me. Through a lot of encouragement from my mom, I finally let people in on my journey. And I could not have dreamed the support I received.

This community raises one another's children. In the best sort of way. It was like our parents knew we were safe just by the people we were with, or rather, the hundreds of other eyes that were watching our every move :) By playing sports in this town, you became known by many. And with that, expectations were put upon you. It wasn't long before "little eyes" were also watching our every move.

Its been a blessing to be home and get a chance to thank people in person for their support. I know I am just one story among many for this community to rally behind. Thank you all for everything. From prayers, to cards, to gifts, to support for my family, etc. Every gesture has been appreciated and nothing goes unnoticed.  Thank you!

High School friends: Bryce, Katie and Alison

High School Friends: Kristen, Becky, Burk

Home in Montana

Stepping onto the tarmac yesterday

There are few things like going home. The tranquillity that is rare in Portland is easily achieved in my home town.For as far as my eyes can see, exist only snow covered mountains, rolling hills of green and tree-lined properties belonging to neighbors and friends. Coming home is peaceful; replacing that need to "accomplish and achieve" with acceptance and existence. Home is relaxing; without the rush to go one place or another. Decisions are made slowly and then remade because there is seemly an abundance of time. Montana is majestic as described. And I am blessed to call it home.

I get to be here for a week and I have no plans. Each day I am going on walks with my family and doing my at home strength exercises. I hope to join my dad at his health club a few times while I am home and get higher level cardio sessions in as well. Other than that, it is just reading, writing and enjoying this gift of being home.

Update on health related things: I received news that my AFP counts continue to decrease (most recently sitting at 4.1) and my other blood counts continue to improve (red and white blood counts, liver enzymes, function of glucose, etc). I will follow-up with my oncologist in 1 month! No blood work until I see him again at the end of this month.
Cannot truly express how exciting it is not to have to be there weekly (and some times daily) anymore.

I return to work 3 weeks from today! I have a lot of strength and conditioning to do, but know I just need to be diligent with something each day. Each day its seems I have a specific allotment for energy and if I use too much too fast, I burn out by afternoon. So my two goals are learning how to pace myself as well as build up my energy reservoir. Both obviously requiring time and patience.

In other news, my parents are having a small gathering of people at their house this coming Thursday, May 8th from 4-7pm for people who would like to stop by and see how I am doing. My mom sent an initial email out last night, but I wanted to make sure the details were here as well incase we missed anyone with her email. Please message me for the address (jyndia.schaible@gmail.com). If you are in the area, would love to see you thursday or if you cannot make it, let me know and we can arrange another time.

I am planning to continue to write in this space and also transition back to writing at Dare to Dream. Feel free to check back in periodically.

Patient experience: getting through chemo

The other day I was contacted by someone who has recently been diagnosed with the same form of ovarian cancer as myself. She found my blog and had been reading along my journey as she prepped for her own. She asked me what were three key things for me personally during chemo that helped.  Here was my answer:

1. Support
Family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, friends of friends, you name it. At first for me it was really hard to accept help or even to ask for help. This has more to do with my personality than anything else. I told her it takes a village to get through this battle. And it truly does. I could not have gotten through the day to day with out my parents being physically here.  My friends coming over to sit with me as faded in and out of sleep. My coworkers bring by meals and small treats to brighten my darker days. Hundreds of cards and care packages coming via snail mail to offer words of comfort, prayer, support.

2. Accept where you are at any given moment. 
Some days were really hard. I couldnt focus on what I needed or wanted to do. I had difficulty articulating how I felt (its okay to just say you feel like shit and move on). I was frustrated that yesterday I walked for 60 minutes no problem and today I could barely go for 10 minutes. The key to getting through those times for me were to stop beating myself up about what I couldnt do and relish in what I could.

3. Stay active throughout chemo. 
During my first couple of rounds of chemo I felt fairly well. I had more energy to go for walks or entertain guests. But in the final two rounds, I really struggled with fatigue and low energy. Some days I would pace at 22 minute miles. Some days I truly wondered if I would make it the 4 blocks back to my house. But even if you walk to the end of the block and back (which I had days where that was all my feet would take me), it is something. Keep track of progress in whatever way is natural to you and keep setting small, obtainable goals.

She also asked me if there was anything I wish I would have done during treatments. My biggest change would be more on top of giving my body better nutrients. Now there were some days where I could only get down about 800-1000 calories, but on the days I was feeling better, I wish I would have juiced more, drank more healthy smoothies. I wish I would have taken more of an interest in what was going into my body.

It is strange to look back at the 12 weeks I was in chemotherapy and recollect specific memories. I remember one time a well-wisher told me "you just have to get through the week". I remember wanting to scream. I was trying to get through that hour, much less the week. I knew they meant well, but there were times when I wished I could just sleep through the week; knock myself out with something so I would not have to feel the pain. There are some weeks where I do not remember anything. I was in such a chemo fog that short term memories did not make it into the long term bank.

I am going to try and make some lists in the next few days that might help people in the future of how to help going through chemo or how to get through chemo. The lists will obviously be specific to my experience, but who knows, might help someone along the way. I know when I was getting ready to start chemo I was all over the internet trying to figure out what to expect. So maybe I can help someone like me :)

Friends for life

Last week my friend Becky came to Portland to visit.  It was so good to see her and I am always amazed when a friendship can just pick up where it left off. We think the last time we saw each other was Christmas 2013, but before that was her wedding (summer 2007). I was looking for pictures from her wedding, but they must be on my external hard drive. I am so thankful she came out and I was able to show her some of my favorite parts of Portland.

She arrived last Tuesday which was the last day of Round 4. I was pretty tired, but we ventured over to Hawthorn neighborhood to people watch. I was cracking up with Becky's comments "does everyone where skinny jeans?" and "why does that guy just have one pant leg rolled up? Is that a fashion statement?" and "you eat food from a cart?". I wish I could remember all the things she said because I was literally laughing out loud multiple times.

On Wednesday we went to heaven (Zama Salon)! Becky treated me to the full salon experience including a facial, massage and foot soak. It was a fantastic way to celebrate being done with chemo and a chance to really just relax. The salon we went to was amazing and if you are in the Portland area, I highly recommend going. We went out for Thai food afterwards, which I think was Becky's first time eating Thai food. We spent the rest of the day running around the city seeing sights and just hanging out.

On Thursday we woke up and went to the Waffle Window in SE Portland. It was amazing and enough to send anyone's blood sugar over the edge :) We drove around the west hills and picked out our dream homes :) It was raining all day so we spent a good amount of time hanging out on my couch watching TV and just catching up on life.

I am consistently amazed by all of my friends, near and far that have given so much during this time. Thank you Becky for taking time away from your family and your life to come out and spend time with me.

My first chemo free week

Today is my first Monday in 12 weeks where I do not have to start chemo. I am so thankful that Round 5 was not needed for my body is exhausted and needs a break. Most side effects are starting to diminish and I am noticing that each day I feel a little bit stronger.  Side effects that are still lingering include: swelling in my fingers, absent taste buds, low energy, interrupted sleep, decreased appetite and though improved, still a decreased capacity for obtaining intellect.

I have confirmed a return to work date of May 20th. I am going to go back at 20 hour weeks for at least the first 2 weeks and then decide if I can resume my full schedule or need more time to integrate. I am excited to return to work because it will offer some structure and purpose to my day, but I am also nervous. I have lost quite a bit of muscle mass and of course need to build up my endurance to be on my feet for up to 5 hours in a row. That being said, I am taking each day as it comes and doing everything I can to be ready to return to work in about a month.

Pre-juicing veggies

This past week I was hit by low energy and decreased appetite. I am still not experiencing the feeling of being "hungry" and have to eat meals more according to the clock otherwise my blood sugar tanks and I really feel sick. On top of that, I have been trying to get good calories in my body. I am trying to juice at least 1 time a day, which has already helped to balance out my blood sugar. Jenn got me a book called The Juicing Generation which has been very helpful in tips easing into juicing. I had a hard time drinking some of the heavy leafy greens and the book guides you in what to consume in what order to "trick" your taste buds and build up to the heavier green juices. This has been really helpful for me!

I am going to try and be more present on my blog in the coming weeks. I have struggled with energy and having content to write. But then I remembered why I started this whole thing a few months ago. Not only is it a convenient place for people to receive updates on how I am doing, but it is also my own journey documented so that I can look back and see how far I have come. Though at times I have willed it to be a race, this journey is really a marathon and I am trying my best to be diligent to the process. Thank you for those who have stuck around to encourage me along the way whether in words, gifts or personal time. I am forever grateful!

Got to hang out with James last week! Love this little man

Good news!

Round 4 has been a beast. Everything sucks a little but more. I am even shocked how little energy I have had this go around. But this is where things start to look up. 

Today I received the news that my AFP had dropped enough that is will in fact be my last round of chemo! I still need to finish out next week's treatment, but this is it. Last time I have to be noxious poked by the port needle, last time I have to sit for hours as I watch toxins drip into my heart. This is it

The plan is to be followed by blood work for the next 4-6 weeks, with a PET scan down the road to make sure it's gone. 

It's a strange mix of feelings. I want to celebrate, but my body is so exhausted. For now, my smile is a little bit bigger :) God is good. Spring is all around, reminding me of new beginnings. Today is a new beginning.